Video Transcript: Connection 2 - Marriage

I was on vacation with my family. We were we're going from Grand Rapids,  Michigan, where I'm from, to Seattle, Washington where my wife is from. And  we're in the middle of, I don't know, Montana, Wyoming or somewhere. And we  were pulling a camper behind the campers, like a little wagon with a tent on top  of it. And we stopped at a place in the middle of nowhere. And I had four boys at the time, and my wife, and we all went to sleep. But I got up early, I woke up and I got out and I made some coffee. And I'm sitting there in a chair, just enjoying,  you know, the sun is starting to come up, and the birds are chirping. And I'm  alone. And you know, I don't have the kids flying in and wanting something or  whatever. It was just a relaxing moment. And I was enjoying this time to myself.  But then I wandered with my eyes to the right. And there was a guy camping  right next to us. And he was fiddling with his truck. And he was he was taking  some part out of the engine or something. And when I looked over at him, he  had to meet, he happened to be looking over at me, and our eyes met, and I  knew he was gonna say something. So he said, well, it looks like you've made it  through the night. And I wanted to say yes. And, you know, please let me alone.  I want to enjoy this moment alone. I have for myself, but what I said was, yeah,  it does. You know, I wasn't enthusiastic at all. And he said, Yeah, I'm, I'm trying  to see I'm checking my alternator out, there seems to be a problem with the  bearings. I remember thinking, I don't know anything about alternators. I don't  know that they had a bearing. But I again, I responded politely. Yeah, that  doesn't sound very good. And he took my, you know, my response as an  opportunity to, you know, he thought I was being enthusiastic. I don't know. But  he kept talking. Yeah, I'm coming up from South Dakota, and I'm going to  Montana. That's where my wife and I have lived for the last 40 years. And I said,  Yeah, you know, we're going off to Seattle, and I, I just wanted the conversation  to end so I can go back to my coffee. But then he said something. He said  something that sort of snapped me out of my indifference, snapped me out of  my selfish, wanting to just be alone. And he said something that, you know, that  reached into my heart and squeezed it hard. Because he said, You know, I'm on  my way to the home that my wife and I lived for 45 years. And then he said this.  He said, matter of fact, he didn't say it with a lot of motion. But he said, of  course, I don't have a wife anymore. She died last year. And I remember  thinking about him and thinking about 45 years together in Montana, doing  things having kids camping, driving, doing life. And now he doesn't have that. He said it so matter of factly. And I don't know what it was. But it grabbed ahold of  me. Because we weren't meant to be alone. God created the world in six days.  And after each day, he looked back at what He created me said it is good. And  on the sixth day He created man, and he said it is very good. But in Genesis  chapter two, he sees that the man is all alone. And even though this is paradise, God said, it is not good. And that's when he created the woman. And it says at 

the end of Genesis chapter two, that the two became one, reflecting the three in  one, the two in one reflects the three in one God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We were not meant to be alone. The marriage relationship. We reflect who God  is and who God made us to be male and female, He created them. That's  

connection two. Connection two is marriage. Connection one most important is  our relationship to God. Next most important connection if you're married is with  your spouse, basic communication path for your marriage. If you want God at  the center of your marriage, then you have to do things you have to be on some  path that helps you to connect to each other and to God. Talking, listening  repeatedly. You can't have a relationship with someone without talking, listening  repeatedly. If you want God at the center of your marriage, you have to have  prayer. You have to Bible, you have to have devotions. You have to put these  things together. Now, how are you going to do that? Well, what do you need to  succeed? You need a path? What are you going to do together? What are you  going to study? What are you going to read? Schedule? How's this gonna work? You go to work early, she goes to work later on, you're off with your friends, your hobbies, she's off with her friends, hobbies, doing different things? How are we  going to get on the same scale? How's this gonna happen? How are we going to have a connection with one another? What a lot of marriages do is they ignore  each other for a year, and then they go for, you know, a week vacation together  sort of make up for it. Accountability? Who's going to hold you accountable for  this reward? What's your reward for sticking this out? How are you gonna get  supported, who's helping you? Why Most don't succeed at this. The first reason  why marriage devotions is so difficult is because opposites attract. So you're  attracted to the person you're attracted to. One likes to get up early and study  the Bible, the other one likes to do it at night. One likes to go deep, the other  likes to go shallow. One likes to talk about every angle and argue about things,  the other likes things just to go well, you marry your opposite. And so how's this  going to go together? You're too busy. I mentioned that already. You're both  doing your own things, mixed up priorities. You got the kids, you got work, you  got all these things in your life. What happens? Husband and wife, they have  kids, and all of a sudden the kids become the priority. But the number one things you can do for your kids is have a great marriage. Nothing will affect your kids  more than your marriage. Life is too good. So you don't think about it. devotions  not meaningful lack of support. You don't have family behind, you don't have a  church behind you. Lack of a mission. You know, if you were helping another  couple get connected to God, it would help you get connected to God. But if  you're not helping another marriage, then you can be lazy about your own  connection to God. Married couples need common ground in order to have them work. So here's a few questions for you to consider. And if you are married, I  would suggest that you write these things down and you actually discuss the  answers to these questions together. What do you already have that bring you 

and your spouse together? What common interests do you have my wife and I  both love music? So we do music together? What hobbies do you have? What  interests? Do you know? What sports something What do you enjoy doing  together? What kind of activities do you already enjoy doing together? What  new kinds of activities or interests could you pursue together? Now you might  look at what your spouse is doing? And is there anything in there that you could  join your spouse and my wife loves birdwatching. So sometimes she'll ask, do  you want to go birdwatching? And they're like play I'd rather play this sport. So  sometimes I should say, Yes, let's go birdwatching. And you know what? I'm  actually enjoying. Understanding your differences. Okay, one of the reasons why husband and wife have a hard time connecting together, is this issue that we're  attracted to our opposites. And sometimes that gets in the way. We have  differences. And how do we understand that? First of all, your past looking at  your past? Here's some questions to consider. What was your parents  marriage? Like? Were they fun? When did they have an intimate marriage. Did  they demonstrate that? Was it strained? Was it loving? Was there a lot of  yelling? Was it broken? Was it spiritual? What kind of what kind of parental  example? Did you grow up with each of you? What was your spouse's parents  marriage like? So you look at what yours was like? You look at what your  spouse's were like, and they're probably different. For some things will be the  same but some things will be different. What would you like to keep from both?  What would you like to avoid from both? Can you see how these would be good  questions to sit down and talk about? What do I want to keep from the example I had? What do we want to keep from the example that you had? What do we  want to avoid? All your past is playing into your present. Okay, understanding  the differences your present situation. I I have this as a worksheet for you to do,  but I just want to show it to you. I would like each of you to go through this, and  you rate yourself, and you rate your spouse. And then you put the difference,  you subtract the high number from the low number. And that's the difference. So, after work, I'm ready to go out, you might feel strongly about this, you might put  a five Yeah, I want to go out, I want to do stuff. And your spouse is like, oh, you  know, I just want to sit home and be quiet, you know, and read the book. So she  puts a one, five minus one is four. So it's a big difference. And then you add up  all the numbers, and you'll see how close or how apart you are in terms of your  personality, and your reactions to life just to see in what areas you're the same  and what areas you're different. In order that you become aware of them. How  different you might be.Uunderstanding your differences, the future. So you're  looking at your past, you look at your present, but now you look at your future,  how is it possible to work out and even come to enjoy your differences? So as  we're going forward, now, we may have all these differences, you've identified  this, you've taken this little test, you've seen that you're different here? How  might you enjoy each other's differences? Why does that always have to be a 

negative? How can these differences actually add to your marriage? You know,  if you and your spouse are exactly the same person, then one of you isn't  needed, is because you are different. That, you know, new possibilities. So you  know, when you meet someone, and you have this shared common thing, but  they're different. And that's attractive to you, because it adds something to your  life, maybe they challenge you in a way that others haven't. When do differences lead to conflict? Number one, when one partner feels ignored, you ignore each  other than the differences are going to lead to conflict. Number two, when one  partner feels taken for granted, I do these things for you. But no one seems to  appreciate these things. Well, then the differences lead to conflict. Or number  three, when people when one partner feels taken advantage of, I'm doing all of  this, and I'm doing a lot of the work and I don't see what you're doing. And now I  feel taken advantage of. And now when something happens or you do  something, I get angry very easily, it leads to conflict, because I feel like things  are not fair. Typical conflict management styles, try to figure out which one or  two of these things are you. And then the spouse does the same thing and sort  of see how you're missing each other, with your different management styles.  First is the Eskimos style. The Eskimo style is to be bundled up, you know, it's  cold, and you want to isolate yourself. And so the Eskimo style is sort of a, I  don't want to deal with these things. I just want to turn my head away. So maybe that's your style, there is no conflict because you don't want to deal with, you  just sweep things under the rug, you don't talk about these things. There's the  cowboy style, the cowboy style, and you take out your gun, and you start  shooting with when something new is something you don't like you right away,  get angry and right away, say something negative to the other person. There's  the courtroom style. That's really my style. A courtroom style is like a lawyer.  Why did you do this? What were you thinking when you do this? And then the  other person gives a reason? And then you go, Oh, really? Is that the reason?  Or is this reason? So like a lawyer, you're trying to pin them down? And it's one  question after another, I'm not gonna let you go until you confess. And usually,  one of the marriage partners is really good at that really good with words and  parsing and coming up with arguments. And the other person needs to think and they're not as quick and so they end up losing all the time. And so they don't  want to play. So the courtroom person is saying all this stuff, and the other  person goes into Eskimo style. I'm not even going to talk about this. Then there's the dictator style. We're not going to argue about this. I'm just going to tell you  this is the way it is. So I'm always dictating always saying this is how it's going to go. I'm going to rule there's never a discussion. There's the Fugitive style, which  is run away. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to talk about it. We don't  we're not going to do this. So which one of these styles or a couple of different  styles do you do that what Is your spouse do? And then can you see how you're  missing each other, or one is leading to the other? Maybe one is a fugitive. But 

the fugitive is only a fugitive because the other is a dictator, or they're always  shooting their cowboy gun all the time. And they're just trying to not get shot.  And maybe if you weren't like that, they would actually discuss things. Usually,  it's, it's the two working together to create the conflict in the disharmony. How to  resolve conflict, I learned this a long time ago. And it really, really works if you  have the patience, and the courage to try it out. How to resolve conflict, the  Jesus way. Okay. Partner A has a problem with partner B. So, Partner A, you  know, let's say it's myself, and I come to my wife and I say, I have this problem  related to you. I have this problem, that you're always late, you know, we're  gonna go somewhere, and you're never ready on time. Okay, so I have a  problem with you. So I raise this problem. So generally, what happens is, I raise  a problem now you feel like you just got hit. And so you defend yourself, what  are you talking about? I'm not the one that's late, you're the one that's late. Or,  you know, there's extenuating circumstances, it's not my fault. So we get real  defensive. And now we have an argument going back and forth. Well, what I'm  suggesting is, when someone says, I have a problem, and I lay it out before you, partner B responds to the problem. Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep  water, but a man of understanding will draw it off. In other words, when someone comes and says, I have a problem with you, or here's something I don't like,  instead of getting defensive, and arguing back and forth. attack it from, I want to  understand what your real problem is. You may legitimately have a problem with me, and I really want to understand it. And maybe it's not a problem. Maybe it's  just something I need to understand about you. Or there's something you need  to understand about me. So how do you do that? Five questions? What is the  problem? Could you tell me more about it? So you're saying that I'm late all the  time? Can you tell me more about that? Can you give me a few examples? Oh,  yes, I can. Well, the other day, we did this? Can you tell me more about that? I  want to know what the real problem is? Next? Next question. Why is this a  problem? Why is it that when I am late, do you not like that? Now, this is hard to  do. Because you're asking someone to pour more stuff on you. You don't like  what they said in the first place. And now you're asking for more, please tell me  why this is a problem for you? Well, I'll tell you why it's a problem for me. Next  question, how does it make you feel? Can you explain why you feel this way?  When I cause you to bel to be late? How do you feel about that? This is a big  thing. Do you feel really angry? You know, on a scale of one to 10. 10 being  really angry? What scale are we on here? I have no idea. Oh, that's a 10. I  mean, it really upsets me. Why does it upset you? What is it about being late?  That really upsets you? I have no one, you know, my, my, my, my dad was  always late. And we came and it was embarrassing. So you feel embarrassed?  Yes, I feel embarrassed. What else do you feel? Can you think of a specific  example. And then let's look at that and talk about how you felt in that specific  incident. So you're really asking, I want you, I want to really understand what 

this is. I want to understand what it is. I want to be clear about what it is. And I  want to understand how you feel about it, and how it hurts you and why it hurts  you. And then finally, here's what I understand. From your point of view. This is  

what I understand. You're saying so I say what it sounds to me like it really hurts  you when I'm late. And it hurts you because you're embarrassed. Because it  reminds you of what you went through as a child. And it feels like I disrespect  you because if I you know was thinking of your feelings, I would be on time. And  you know, is that true? Do you think I'm understanding how you're feeling and  what this is? They say no, I don't think so. Well, then I have to listen more. I  have to ask more questions. I have to listen so many times. So that finally you  got Yes, I think you finally understand. And then finally you ask, what what do  you need for me? What would you like for me? I would like you to be on time.  What does that mean? What does on time mean? One minute before 10  seconds before we go. And then they communicate and finally you understand  what they really want, why they feel the way they feel. All of that. Okay, so as  you're doing this, it doesn't mean that you agree with them. And it doesn't mean  that when they explain things, and they came up with examples that you even  agree with that, maybe they're making up examples. Maybe they're making  putting you in a really bad light and you disagree. That's not exactly. That's not  what happened at all. But you hold on to all your feelings and thoughts, until  your turn, right now you're just listening to them. You want them to understand  that you are just trying to understand what they are feeling and thinking. And  that's it. You're not coming up with your arguments and your strategy against  them. But you're just listening to them. Alright. How to resolve conflict, the Jesus way, part two, see now it's partner B's turn the person who's been doing all this  listening to tell their side and so how you do that is okay. I think I've listened. I  think I understand. You know, I've said this, I think you think I understand. Can I  now tell you my side of this story? See I've been holding that back. Now, they  have to be able, they have to be willing to say, well, I guess you listened to me.  Now it's their turn to listen to you. Proverbs 18:17. The first to present his case  seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. So everyone thinks  they're right. And they present their case and someone listens. It feels like I'm  right. But now we have to listen to the other side. Five questions, it's it's B's, A's  turn, to listen and not defend and not attacked and not solve the problem. So the five questions again, okay, here's, here's my reaction to the whole thing. You  know, you think I'm late. But here's what's going in my world. I have all the kids  to get going, I have to fix everything, I have to dress them, I have to. And all you  do is jump in the car and ready to go. I feel like you're not helping me. And that's why we're late. The person that that you know, that person now has to listen.  They can't say what are you talking about? Like, you know, we can go I help put, you know, get the kids ready? No. See? No, you have to listen, just like they  listened to you. So what is this problem of the kids? And the getting them ready?

And dressed? I want to know more about that? Why is this a problem for you?  How does it make you feel, it makes me feel alone, it makes me feel like you  know, I'm a parent, but I have to do all this hard stuff. And I'm the one dealing  with all the squabbles and trying to make it happen. And you're not. And you're  just sitting in the car waiting for us and blaming me for all of this chaos. Well,  how does that? How angry? Are you? How do you feel about that? Is it a 10? Is  it a one? See you have to now do the same exact thing. Now what happens is  people start arguing back and forth at this point. And see if to stick with it. My job is to listen to you long enough for me to understand you. Now it's your job to  listen to me long enough for you to understand me. Right or wrong. See, right or wrong? Has nothing to do with it. At this point. We're just trying to listen to each  other. Finally, what do you need from me? Well, I would like you to help with the  kids. I would like you to help, you know at least take two of them. And I'll take  two. Okay, so now we've listened to each other at least a little bit, we understand a little bit more how the other is feeling about this and their view of it right or  wrong. Now we have the possibility of maybe resolving this how to resolve  conflict the Jesus way, part three, Partner A and B, try to figure out what is best  for both. We've listened to each other, we understand a little bit more of each,  each, each of our dilemma. Now how can we solve this together, we're in a  better position to do that than we were before. Typically what happens? I  complain about something you defend, and you complain back to me and I  defend and we just go back and forth. And we do the same argument week after week, year after year. You listen to married couples, they tend to argue about  the same things over and over and over again, and they never learned anything. Instead, see every argument every problem is an opportunity to really get to  know each other better. The reason why there's conflict is because we don't  understand each other. That's really the bottom line. So why not take these  opportunities to actually discover who we are and discovering our differences  and growing and using our differences for something greater. That's the genius  of God putting two people that are opposite together.