Video Transcript: Introduction to Personal Darksides

Well, here we are topic three, overcoming the dark side of ourselves, as well as  looking at our personal dark sides, so we are aware of what they are, to define  them, to look at them, to then come up with a plan of how to manage them and  

overcome as I just mentioned. Well, dark sides, you're probably wondering,  What on earth is Dr Mark talking about? Am I do I have these dark things. We all have dark things in our lives. You could say that, yes, we all have sin in our  lives. We we deal with many issues and problems. But what is this dark side  about? Or maybe you're thinking of Star Wars, of course, Darth Vader, yes,  come to the dark side, you know, and so on. Those, those those funny moments that now that we we look back of years ago and when those movies first came  out, the Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, and Darth Vader and and so on.  Come to the dark side. Luke, the power the dark side you don't understand,  says Darth Vader. But the truth of the matter is, is that we take that term dark  and the dark side of us had to do with the shadow side of us. We look back at  our family of origin, although you must admit, as we look back often, we don't  want to look at our past. Now we said in the last video, II Corinthians 5, the old  is gone. The new has come. We are victorious. As Christians, we know that we  are free. In Christ, the Son sets you free. We are free, indeed, absolutely,  however we also talked about in the video, in topic two, that we have, we have  this disconnect with God. We have, we have fallen short of God's glory. We still  deal with sin, and we still have. We have opportunity to bring heaven on earth.  Good thing. However, it takes the process of sanctification, that theological term  meaning the how we need to get rid of the things that inhibit, get rid of the  barriers. Only with the power of the Holy Spirit, only with God's help, can we do  that and become God's workmanship to do the purposes He created us in  advance for us to do those purposes, to be the hands and the feet and the head  and the neck and and the torso of Jesus. So we need to be aware, however, of  our own shortcomings, of our character defects, because those character  defects, those those behaviors that we know we fall into, the traps we set for  ourselves. The question remains, how am I the problem? Because often what  we do is it's kind of like this. Well, I know I've got these issues. I know I have a  problem with alcohol, or I know I have a problem with lying, or I have a problem  with taking things. Hmm, did I do that? And we want to shift the blame, as we  talked about in the last topic, we shift the blame of the people Adam did to Eve.  Look at this woman you gave me, God, oh, oh, look at this woman. She did it.  And we point our fingers, and the three fingers point back at us. Matthew  Matthew 7, Jesus talks about that we know when he says, why you're trying to  get the log out of your you know, trying to get specked out of your neighbor's  eye. When you get the log in your face, that plank in your eye, you can't see  anything it. Who are you? We all have problems. We all have issues. We all  have our shadow sides, and we choose not to look at those shadow sides. It's  kind of like this. Have you ever been in an international flight? Maybe you 

haven't many, many of you probably have, if you are watching this video in  Africa or in Asia and or, of course, here. The states, and you do a lot of  international travel, or Canada, anywhere in the world. And on these  international flights, they give you these, these, these little packs, black or other  colors and and in these packages, as the stewardess passes them out, you  open up the little pack, and sure enough, because it's going to be a 15 hour  flight and through many time zones, you are given the proverbial set of earplugs  and then the proverbial night mask as well as socks, because the feet get you  want to take your shoes off, be comfortable, okay? But let's focus on the night  mask and the earplugs, because what we often do is we are not willing, or we  don't want to or however you want to express it, look at our past. We don't want  to look at the shadow sides or the dark sides of ourselves. We want to simply  hear no evil we so we don't hear anybody else telling us when we've fallen short or done wrong. We don't want to listen to ourselves either, or especially, we  don't want to listen to God many times during the day or week, and often too.  We just don't want to look at our past, hear no evil, see no evil. I'm free in Christ. I must be perfect. I have everything figured out. I'm fine. I'm just literally fine, and yet I'm so blind, and yet, if I'm fine now, the word fine means I'm freaked out, I'm  insecure, I'm neurotic and I'm emotional. I'm emotional. I can't handle things  going on right now. I am forced to listen. I'm forced to listen to what's going on  around me. I'm forced to hear the constructive criticism where I did my wrong.  I'm forced to look at what's really going on, what I haven't seen before. I'm sure  many of you have experienced that as you have grown in your faith in Christ, in  your walk with God. So Jesus takes off the mask, he takes out those ear plugs,  and he says, Okay, now I'm going to help you see what those dark sides are,  because you're still a broken person through my lenses, my lenses and the dark  side often refers to leadership. We lead ourselves. We lead others in our home,  we lead organizations, we lead other people in relationships outside of  organizations in our home and so on. And so this is where this comes from, but  also just looking at the dark sides as they are. Well, what are they? Let's take a  look today, overcoming the dark side and the dark side. Well, Mr. Clinton, Mr.  Clinton, he you may recall many years ago how Mr. Clinton was angry, in denial. He wanted to put on that, that mask. He wanted to put in the earplugs, and he  said, I did not do anything wrong with that woman, huh, kind of sounds like  Adam and Eve, that woman that you gave me, and the woman said that serpent, and the lies that serpent said, God, don't you understand? God understood  completely. And of course, it says here, quote, I did not have sexual relations  with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, when actually he did full denial. And there she  is with Mr. Clinton in a public setting. And then Mr. Clinton with his wife, Hillary,  in the middle of it, all the dangers of the dark side. What? Is the dark side in this  context, How did Mr. Clinton get to this point where he was womanizing and  acting out, as well as an Omaha pastor in Nebraska here in the States, exposing

himself, as well as well as the Methodist Church official charged with lewdness,  and also Reverend David Tyrell, the Southwest Community Church Pastor in  Arizona, years ago, but this example illustrates is under fire for revelations of  nude hot tub photographs of him, his wife and a married parishioner who  resigned Saturday. And I'm sure for those of you who have been tracking the  news, especially us in America with the #metoo movement, and if you've been  online, you probably have seen this come across the news lines, the news feed  that women coming forward saying yes, this actor, Bill Cosby, this, this, this  movie director, Harvey Weinstein, and this other well known person, this, and  this other coach and this other teacher, they He abused me. Women have come  forward to say and stand up, which is good, which is good, but it reveals also the brokenness of these men, but also of women too. All of us, there's a dark side.  It's everywhere. It's everywhere. There's the company from Enron. Years ago,  this lady here was convicted for murder, another gentleman who was caught up  in fraud, Martha Stewart, you may recognize her as well. She went into prison  because of in of a trading fraudulent act within her own company and other  examples. Where does it stop? Unfortunately, with the human experience, it  doesn't. But we, with the power of Christ, can have victory over this. We can  overcome it. Another example, a Baptist leader who is charged for sexual  issues, and also a political leader admits affectionate liaisons, and also a former  governor serving two and a half years in prison. And on it goes. So what are the  top 10 dangers? See, this goes back to the family of origin, goes back to how  you were raised, and also what generational things have been carried over. Of  course, we read about in the Bible about generational sin, but it's truly looking at who you are, in particular, who your mom and dad are, your home life. And dad  wasn't there. Of course, it was just mom or vice versa. There are many siblings  or just a few. And also what you were taught, what values that you were ever  instilled? Well, let's look at what the now could be about. And of course, perhaps you are already in ministry, or you're in business, but you're looking to go into  ministry, you can probably relate to this quite well. How about the top 10  dangers as we look at the shadow side that we don't want to look at, we don't  want to hear that 10 on the top 10, stagnant, ineffective organizations, just hear  the stories now. Nine, anger, frustration, cynicism, and in the church, of course,  across the board, there are church splits, people who leave premature ministry,  dropout or, of course, in business leadership, dropout, turnover, all the time,  substance abuse, addiction, forced resignations number five, or burnout,  physical illness number four, sexual immorality, divorce and family breakups  goes back to the home. Finally, loss of ministerial credentials, shame as well as  discrediting to the cause of Christ, and of course, as a first of ministers in  particular, and church leaders, but also referring to to business leaders, have  been disgraced in many, all sectors, all things. So we have the top 10 dangers.  We have these areas to look at. To become more aware. Take a look, hear 

what's going on, look at what's going on, evaluate, do a self inventory. How am I  doing? I trust God. He is the lover of my soul. But how am I loving me? Love  Lord your God, all your heart, mind, soul and strength. Love your neighbor as  you love your self, and if you're loving yourself, you're taking the time to say,  Where am I at? Where am I at? Well, in this session, and as we look at the  sessions, we're looking at session one as a big picture, every leader suffers  from some degree of personal dysfunction, ranging on a continuum from  extremely mild to extremely acute, and our personal dysfunctions very often  serve as the driving force behind our desire to become Leaders and achieve  what we perceive to be success. Now you could say, well, I follow, I'm a follower, true, but we also lead by following, and vice versa. As we lead by following, we  have to understand what's happening. What's the driving force behind what  we're doing, what's motivating you and me? Is it that we we you know, Dad said, for example, you won't amount to anything, he said. And the more that that was  said, the more you started to believe that, even though it wasn't true, the truth of  the matter is, is that you came out of that household where dad said you're not  worth anything, and he had his his beer with him, and he's drunk. They say you  won't mount anything. Blah, blah, blah, huh? And you so you had addicted  behaviors modeled in front of you. You had abuse. You had verbal words that  that just said you can't get beyond where you're at right now you're worth dirt,  complete lies, untrue, however, however, you say to yourself, that's not going to  be the case. I'm going to overcome it, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to  succeed and prove him or her, maybe it was mom, doing it wrong. Prove wrong.  Problem with that is, is that there is a shadow side we don't see right away. We  don't see this, this whole thing of the hurt and the pain, if the hurt and the pain,  the issues, aren't dealt with, we then often come this point, we're saying, Well,  I'm going to succeed as that CEO, is that that senior pastor, as that church  leader, where I I'm going to I'm going to succeed, but at the expense of not  dealing with my issues. And that's where that can creep in, 30 years later, 20  years later, or just into early in your career. And then things happen, like to Mr.  Clinton, things happen like to with Martha Stewart and other examples, with Bill  Cosby recently, who was indicted for sexual immorality, sexual acts that women  came forward, said yes, he did this, and he could be in complete denial. And  everybody thought beforehand, over the years, that he was a man of integrity,  but now we find out there's some shadow sides he just didn't deal with. So we  look at a degree of personal dysfunction, We're broken people. Of course, goes  back to that biblical theological truth and our personal dysfunction often serve as that driving force. I'm going to turn them off. It's like a life debt, a life debt. Now  in the next section session, with this focus on the dark side, we're also going to  look at how we're not aware of the dysfunction that drives them. It's the  ignorance that allows our dark side to develop unchecked, and that's what I was  talking about. We just don't look at it. It's unchecked, and the dysfunction that 

often drives us to succeed and achieve success as leaders generally has a  shadow side that can produce significant failures once we have attained a level  of successful leadership, wherever you wherever you are, management, being  that factory worker at whatever level of work you're in, or church leadership.  Even whether it's the that position that is just doing the day to day work around  the building, the building where the church building, or you are the senior pastor, Session Three, identifying the understanding our particular dark side will able to  deal with it more effectively and develop a personal plan. Here's the key, a  personal plan for overcoming its negative and destructive influences. In the next  topics, we're going to be seeing some interviews, interviews with Pastor Greg  Chandler and also Ms. Collette Compton, the part of my team, both have been  through their stories, and you'll hear, see, hear some of those, their stories, and  be able to relate with them. And, of course, other examples as well to help you  understand truly what's going on with your shadow side and all the dysfunctions  that you're struggling with. And session four, we're going to look at developing  that personal plan. See that's just the deal. Develop the plan how we're going to  intervene in ourselves. For the given is that we go to God, that's the first thing  always begins with prayer, but then where the Holy Spirit then comes in and we  and we, I don't get in the way. I am the problem. That's the big deal. I am the  problem. If I'm the problem, then I have a lot of problems to overcome, because  it's not a it's not about others. It's about what's going on with me. However, we  can develop a personal plan that will help us consistently overcome our unique  dark side and enable us to exercise healthy God, glorifying, failure free  leadership, with God's help and to the best of our ability, all God well, what is  personal dysfunction? What is it? It's anything that impairs our normal  functioning in relationships, human interaction and or life situations. Personal  dysfunction is anything that impairs our normal functioning in relationships.  Human Interaction and or life situations. So examples of this dysfunction  examples. And you're probably thinking, oh man, I can just I can see it now. Dr  Mark is getting right to the root of what I've just been dealing with lately. Or, boy,  I don't buy into this at all, but I'm willing to look at this to everything else in  between. Maybe this is so this is new to you, but you're open to it, and I hope  so. So what are some examples of the dark side of dysfunction, rather  dysfunction? Oh, preference and attitude. Attitude, I'm not worth liking. I deserve the best of everything, those two opposites. So I'm not worth liking. Where  you're saying, I'm just dirt, I don't matter much, or I deserve the best of  everything. And going back to family of origin, perhaps you lived in a very  wealthy home and everything was given to you. Of course, I hope that you've  seen beyond that, where that's not always healthy. We do need to again, work to God's glory, and of course, to own what we do and how it's done and so forth.  The world does not owe us anything. It's not about us. It's about God. But  dysfunction, nevertheless, also a behavior, passive aggressive actions. Oh 

yeah, I'll do it, uh huh. And then you don't follow through or, or, let's, let's go over here. Let's go over there, you say to your employees, and then, and then things.  And they have expectations that they think are your expectations. But then they  

they come to that event, or they come to that that job, that task, it's not what  they expected at all, and it hurts them. Well, it benefits you. Passive, aggressive, lying, always, violent anger in domestic violence versus domestic tranquility,  acute shyness, perhaps the being introverted. Yes, we're we have those of us  who are introverted, those of us who are extroverted. We'll be discussing that  too in this course about temperament. But we can't use temperament as an  excuse. We have to address if we are very shy, or if we are very extroverted with anger and bad behavior. And things can be both in and out. Things can be  indirect and direct. We can get into this place where we can manipulate control  people without saying a word, or by being very belligerent, a thought, a thought,  I will never succeed at anything in the lie that dad told you, or I always fail.  Maybe it's because you are your worst enemy, and we need to trust God with  everything, a habit, pornography, alcoholism or what like we say to addiction,  addiction and addiction also where we talk about addiction later on as well in  this course, as far as behavior and patterns and what that means, but it's  relating to pornography, alcoholism, compulsive spending, compulsive exercise,  or eating, whatever the idol, whatever that thing is, that that perceived need that  we have, or drug of choice that we need to medicate our pain. What is that? A  habit, a fear, a fear of death, a fear of failure, a fear of loss. See, this course also will help us to understand better and better how to reframe, how to reframe our  current state, what could happen in the future, to reframe what happened in the  past, the understanding of what's going on with us and what happened our  family of origin and so on. Reframe. We'll also talk about that too in conflict  management as we go forward in this course. In addition a memory abuse,  ridicule, pain. And here is the practical reality of dysfunction. Here's the  spectrum. The spectrum. For some of us, it's pretty much on the mild side. Yeah, there's some teasing. You know, when we first hit age 12, age 13, and the acne  pops out, or that rejection is done by that kid in the playground, or that group of  kids, and you don't feel accepted, that does spiral into something worse, but It's  just that initial surface thing that you need help with, or further into the spectrum, further into the spectrum, we see, oh, parental divorce, adoption or abortion,  social stigma, perhaps You are struggling with HIV and and it wasn't your fault.  You were born with it. We, I, as I work in Kenya, Africa, with Pastor Isaac and  Esther, who are partners with community recovery, which is the organization that I oversee. And we, as we are doing recovery ministry with Pastor Isaac and his  wife, Esther, and Rift Valley fellowship in Kenya. We worked with many, many  women who are coming off the streets, who have been in prostitution, and  unfortunately, their children have been born with HIV. Maybe that's you today.  Maybe that's something that we need to go to God here and say, Lord, I need 

your help, and God will help. But of course, we need to realize that with God's  help, we can overcome we can't fix ourselves, and yet we deal with dysfunctions because of these broken things in our world, social stigma comes back to that,  because often we if we have something that's that's happened to us, if you're  dealing with HIV or or you've been through a disgraceful experience because of  what your parents have done, or whatever, and the rest of the community has  been shunning you, has been Putting you out stigma or here we go with the  more extreme, the physical abuse, the physical abuse, the alcoholic, the death,  and these things are so deep, so deep that we need God's help to overcome.  Then, of course, with God's help, with from the Bible and also the 12 Steps of  recovery and how we achieve tranquility, it's through the Holy Spirit and His  power. But we need to be understand what these things are that we're trying to  overcome. Okay, so the reality. Where does this dysfunction come from? In  video number two, topic two, we talked about the theological proof of the fall  Genesis 3, Adam and Eve, and that is the first thing we turn to. It was Adam Eve who opened the door. They allowed it to come in the the complete disconnect  between mankind and God, total separation family of origin, as we talked about  personal experiences and we can't. We're not here to blame our family of origin.  We're not here to blame anybody, but to look at me, look at ourselves. Yes, did  things happen with mom and dad? Did things happen with the teacher? Things  happen with those boys and girls on the on the playground? Or did that abuse  happen because of the uncle or the aunt? Yeah, it did, and those are personal  experiences. But we also say, well, we need to understand it so we can get help  about it and personal circumstances, poverty, struggle, pain, disease, genetic  disorders, dysfunction can rise out of these sources. So why doesn't God just  remove all this the classic question, Why does God allow things to happen? Bad things happen to good people? That question is asked too much, but it's still  asked. That question still comes up. And the truth of the matter is, we go back to the fall Adam and Eve opening the door. Not God human beings. So why doesn't he just remove our physical ailments or dysfunction? Why doesn't he just  remove our nearsightedness, our asthma, again, disease or disorder or  respiratory issues, diabetes. Well, the first reason is this. They provide the raw  material for our character development. It's the raw stuff that we need, that we  need, but it's raw stuff that God takes rather and he brings it together and says,  okay, yeah, you went through this. Yep, you went through that. Let's show you.  Let's mold you. Let's shape you so that you realize, of course, that I'm in control, and not them and or those people or you. But I'm going to use the brokenness to make something beautiful, kind of like that whole story of the Indian servant with a pot. And the whole story goes that the Indian servant has a cracked pot, and  he has a pot that is not cracked, and he goes to the pond, back and forth, to his  master's house, and the cracked pot is full of water. And of course, each time he goes back and forth, the cracked pot is leaking water out of his pot. And the 

Indian servant knows this. He knows that this is the situation, and he just allows  it to be, that crack to remain. And so the water as he is taking, of course, he has  a pole across the shoulders, and the cracked pot on this side, the good pot this  

side, and the cracked pot leaks for water, and the flowers on the cracked pot  side are starting to spring up where that's not the case on the good pot side.  However, the cracked pot doesn't realize this, and the cracked pot asks if pots  could talk. The cracked pot asks the Indian servant, why is it that you don't fix  me? Why don't you fix me? I I've got this crack and I'm leaking water. You fill me  up, but then I'm half gone. Water's half gone by the time we get to our master's  house, ah, says the Indian servant. Now that you see, let me tell you I've  allowed that crack to be in you so that as that water leaks out, do you notice the  flowers growing alongside the road and it. And putting this in the biblical context, where the Indian servant is saying, God is using you to bring beauty to my  master's house, or as if to say, actually, where you are bringing beauty to God's  House to God, the master, and to bring life all around you, even though you  have a defect, even though you have a crack, God is doing the same thing here. Everyone through that raw material, through the cracks in our lives, we have  that character development that God allows to happen. Consider it joy, my  brothers, when you encounter various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance and let endurance have its perfect result, you may be  perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4. You see if we pick apart  this verse or these verses, and we see it about the testing of our faith, and it  produces endurance and perseverance. It brings a perfect result beauty. God.  Works through the brokenness until Jesus Christ comes back, and then we are  made complete, completely. Also Romans 5, and not only this, but we also exalt  in tribulations, knowing that our tribulation brings perseverance and  perseverance, proven character and proven character, hope and hope does not  disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts  Through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Flowers, beauty, hope, the cracks  in your life. God uses to bring all of you together with other people, the fulfillment of his purpose as the body of Christ. You may not be the hand, you may be the  eye, you may not be the ear, but you may be the mouth, you may not be the  head, but you may be the foot. We are God's hands and feet. Romans 5 and we are, then are looking at perseverance through the trials in this broken world, and God then completes us. Well, a second reason about why God just doesn't  remove our dark sides is that they serve as the anvil upon which God shapes  our leadership. Just imagine an anvil like the blacksmith. Now I checked around, I couldn't find an anvil that was apt for what I needed today, but just imagine an  anvil and then a big hammer. I brought a hammer in one of our the other videos  I've done here, but just imagine the hammer and the hammer just like the  blacksmith pounding out getting rid of all the defects in the metal, pounding out  and then shaping and forming us. And we also see what God was doing through

others. Joseph, for example, his story how he was falsely accused by Potiphar,  how he was put into prison, how God used that tribulation, that trial, to bring him  to the second in command role with Pharaoh Moses, age 80. Of course, he  killed an Egyptian at age 40. God said, at age 80, I am now calling you now go  into your calling. And that was another 40 years. Of course, Moses said, Oh, I'm  not. I'm not the guy. Oh yeah, you are. God said He takes those issues in  Moses's life, in Joseph's life, David's life, Esther remember, remember her. She  she dealt with the the the taboos and and the and the things you don't do with  the king, and with the king of Persia, and being you know his wife, how she had  asked permission to go into His presence and so forth, and how she wanted to  save her people. It was life and death. God used those things the apostle Paul,  President Lincoln, Prime Minister Churchill, President FDR, many, many trials  that God uses as those things where God pounds out of us, what we allow to be barriers, but then uses them and reshapes them to form us to make us  complete. Okay, so how does also? How does this dysfunction contribute? How  does it contribute. Our personal dysfunctions are a normal part of human  development in the fallen world, as I've been explaining, there's no way they can be avoided. However, when we respond to them in negative, unhealthy ways,  that's the that's the key. If we respond to them in negative, unhealthy ways, and  for example, again, going back to the earplugs, we just don't want to listen. So  we just we avoid and we don't listen. We stay in denial. We think we're fine, but  we're not fine, or we turn the blind eye, and we just don't want to see. However,  there are these dysfunctions we deal with are a normal part of our development. We're in a fallen world. There's no way to be we can avoid them. We can't just  be blind to them. But when we respond them in negative, unhealthy ways,  which, if we keep the mask on, keep earplugs in, the development of our dark  side begins so if you did not deal with the abuse with the help of someone else,  of course, God first, and maybe a therapist or another counselor or an  accountability partner, how that would all, all the above altogether, something  happens. Then that dark side begins to grow, begins to grow and manifest itself  in ways that are unhealthy. And then we have something happen, like what  happened to Mr. Clinton and also to those other pastors, also what makes our  dark side so dangerous, our natural responses to our dark side, here's how we  often respond. And we we we denial. As I, as I mentioned, self deception. It's not happening to me. It's, of course, it's part denial. But I'm, I'm I am just the best  thing ever. I, I'm successful, I, I can do it. Hmm? It kind of reminds you of how  we deceive ourselves and that we are. The answer. I Ephesians 2:8-9, as we  said in video, two, is by grace. We're saved by faith, not by works, but then we  deceive ourselves. And thinking the work that I do, I could take care of it. I'm on  top of it, when we're not also rationalization. Well, this happened because of this happened this person, but it's all okay when it's not okay. Justification, you  where we tend to justify our bad actions, our sins, covering it up. Wait a minute if

we, if we hide it and make sure nobody sees it and we keep things underneath  our hat. Well, yes, it'll be okay. No one will know that I took the money, no one  will know that I had the affair. No one will know that I'm into pornography. No one will know that I drink to excess. Eventually they'll know. They'll know blame. Ah,  blame shifting. You, she did it. He did it, not me. Ah, victimization where we  victimize other people because of our mistakes and project on them what we  don't like about ourselves, defeatism. Oh, I kind of like remember Winnie the  Pooh and you have Eeyore the donkey? No, everything's bad. Oh, man. And  you defeat yourself before you can even get to the task or to the challenge and  win with God's help. So let's understand, what are the needs that drive us?  What are the needs that drive us? See, we have needs. We have wants as  human beings, and that may seem obvious, but often we don't recognize them.  We don't stop and say, Okay, I need this and I want that. Here are my strengths,  here are my weaknesses. So what are the needs that drive us? Well, this is  coming from Dr Maslow, who built the hierarchy of needs, as you can see here  on the screen. And the first need we have is physiological, where my person has health and I am functional and I am healthy and I'm able to go from point A to  point B, and I'm also safe. So I've got safety around me. I've got food to eat,  water to drink, and I'm doing okay with my physical needs. And also I have  safety. I don't have to worry about losing my life love. I have parents that love  me. I have family that's loving. I have a community that is supportive. I have a  spouse whom I am now able to love and reproduce the same esteem. Yes, I  have what it takes. Yes, I am validated. Yes, I have I am me, I am Dr Mark, I am  John, I am Jack, I am Sue, I am Jane, whoever you are. You are you, and also  then we then discover ourselves. We say, Oh, now that I have all these other  needs, these these base needs met, from the physical to the safety to the love  and the esteem. Ah, now I'm discovering who I am in Christ and my and my  purpose in this life, and those are the needs that drive us just to acknowledge  and understand and so we could put it in a framework right now. Okay, so what  a missing box on our pyramid of needs? What? What then happens? It all  sounds good. All sounds good. Dr, Mark, but, but we know. We know the truth.  Yes, we do. What happens when some of these most basic needs are never  adequately satisfied? Worse yet, what happens when we experience some  traumatic event during our childhood or developmental years that cause us to  feel threatened, unsafe in one of these essential areas of need and where we've been violated, violated, and when certain events or experiences threaten us in  One of our need areas, or when we are deprived in any way we should expect  that satisfying that particular need will become a controlling element of our  personality. So for example, if I have been told I'm not worth anything by dad or  mom or both, and that I should only expect to graduate high school, maybe that  college is not an opportunity, or that I'm I don't have what it takes to do what dad does, or anything else, if I don't feel validated, or if I don't feel again, Ladies, if 

you don't feel that you You are beautiful, and also that that you have what it  takes, sort of the message you're receiving from family and others, then all  these, these lies that we begin to believe. Well, what happens with those  situations as we look at those examples again, is that it becomes a controlling  element that begins to control you, not you controlling it. So when we look at  addiction, for example, often what we have is we have this unmet need, unmet  need, and this unmet need, that is the controlling factor, That controls me as that controls me, I'm not in control of it, and that what tends to happen is then that  brings hurt, pain and also false belief, leading to other consequences. Thinking  that and I get stuck. I get stuck in a stinking thinking. And then what we do is we  say, okay, in order to take care of the pain and the hurt, then I turn to a drug.  Let's just call that. You're thinking, okay, crack cocaine, okay. You're thinking  alcohol, which is a drug, okay? You're thinking opioids. You're thinking all these,  these, these drugs and alcohol together, ah, but also put in there food, put in  there as well. People trying to please. People all the time. That's my drug, or I  like to watch video games, or do video games all the time. Watch movies and  binge watching as they call it, or on Netflix or on Amazon Prime. I'm watching  movies endlessly because I don't want to face my pain. I don't want to deal with  my hurt. I. So I turned to that drug, whatever it is, not about drugs and alcohol,  when it when we when we look at these things, about the dark sides, and also,  therefore addictive, addictive choices. What often happens is that we are looking at the fact that we turn to these drugs, these other people, places and things  and substances to take care of the pain and anything. That's why we all need to  be in recovery. We all need to do inventory of ourselves, albeit in a variety of  ways, but also, thanks be to God, through Jesus, Christ, our Lord, we are now  saved. Nothing is separated from Love of God. Romans 8. But also, too, we  need to be mindful of our issues and get help in the inventory. Okay, so the  controlling element, controlling element, and here's how that works. That's how  that works. In addition events and experiences that create unmet needs, events  and experiences, we look at the divorce, we look at perfectionistic parents. Well, you're never good enough. Here's the right way to do it. This is what's perfect.  You can't you'll feel you measure up, or rejection by the love interest. She said,  No, you proposed. Or he said, We're over and She's devastated. Or you're cut  from the athletic team, or the death of a parent. I'm working with a couple right  now, where the husband is dealing with issues because of the death of a parent  when he was seven, his dad died. Very, very important to understand that many  dynamics going on with that and how it affects people later on life, also physical  abuse, which we know is has been epidemic all throughout history, adolescent  teasing, economic deprivation, poverty as well as struggle. Two steps forward,  three steps back. So what's happening here? What are we looking at when it  comes to the dark side? What we're looking at is this. We are seeing that there  are debts that we create, debts that, or to put another way, debts that show up, 

things that fall short, as if there is a a we need a loan of love, if you will, and  then, and yet, we can't pay that loan back. Or there's just things that just just  there are not right, things that need to be made right and can't. We can't go back and and fix the past. We can't fix our weaknesses. We can't fix what they,  whoever they are, did to me. So we look at debts that we cannot pay. The  divorce the parents, your parents, if they divorce, that's what they chose to do.  Also abuse again, the abuser choosing to do abuse you, and then maybe you  choose to abuse someone else. Is often the pattern or adoption. Well, my  biological mom and dad didn't want me. Who am I? And we can't You can't go  back and fix that. You can't deal with that back at that time, because you were in the womb and and then you were born, and then you were given away, and Lord willing, to great parents and a great family. And for those of you who who had a  bad experience as an adopt, a child was adopted. My prayers are for you, for  healing, healing sibling death, that brother, that sister, school failures, trying to to deal with what what that teacher said, and what happened then, and where am  I? I am now educationally, can I really go back to school? Here you are. You're  probably back to school now here with CLI, but these become debts, things that  we want to pay back. We want to make right, pay the debt like Jesus paid our  debt and set us free. We want to set ourselves free from these, these painful  things, these hurtful things, these shadow sides, and there are many others you  could write. Probably write about that in your reflections, in your journals for this  topic. But I would encourage you to do so you. So the drive to succeed, there's a theory called compensation theory. How we compensate? Compensate? How  do we compensate for what happened back in time? President Lincoln, he had a lot of issues himself. You could read his biography and maybe watch the film  about his life, of course, how he dealt with the Civil War and the nation that was  divided. Douglas MacArthur as well in time of war, Jim Baker, who is a TV  evangelist, and how he stole money. And also was disgraced. He had a lot of  family of origin issues that he could not fix himself, and he needed God's help in  order to then do things right. And also Bill Clinton too, with an abusive  background, with an with alcoholic an alcoholic stepfather and other issues, of  course, his story. Billy Graham, yes. Billy Graham, too. None of us are exempt.  None of us. How about you? And as I look at me, I often look at too each day.  How am I the problem? And I want to, I want to, I want to compensate. I want to  pay that debt back, and I can't. So let's look at the pattern, how the pattern  emerges. Stage one, we look at the needs. We look at the needs. Stage two, if  we're pulling back and looking at what's really going on, if we're really taking the  mask off literally, and also taking the earplugs out, and say, I want to see. I want  to hear what's really going on with me. Let's look at what my needs are, getting  back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, also the traumatic experiences. Yes, I'm,  by God's grace, I'm going to face my abuse, these existential debt. Yes, we look  at this stage and say, I know that that's something I want to make right. And then

also looking at the dark side, development, what developed what was driving me to the dark side, what was making me go, go, go and not see The real me.  Some example, stage one needs, traumatic experiences, the debt we feel that  we have to pay back. And then, of course, the Dark Side development. We  identify our dark side. And what I'll be providing for you here in the next topics  are probably not with this topic, but also with the profile of some topics here  further, as we get into the dark sides, you'll you'll see where that is in your  outline, with the topics there online and with the score, what we want you to do  and be able to do, is to identify where you're at. There are five, five areas of dark sides, or five dark sides to be aware of passive aggressive, we address that a  little bit compulsive, and that's a term meaning control. How am I too controlling  over controlling? Paranoid? Is everybody after me? Paranoia? Are they talking  about me in that room with a door shut? Or narcissistic? It's all about me. Yep,  see the world. It's revolving around me today and every day, all the time,  narcissism, codependency, oh, if you're not happy, I'm not happy, I need to fix  you so I can feel fixed. And that, as we said earlier, could be our drug too, with  people, places and things, codependency. And truthfully, we all suffer from all  five they're just at different levels, different levels. As we look at the sin nature,  as look at our issues and how this needs, this can be tracked. We can zero in on where we're at. Help us succeed. Of course, all with God's power. Begin with  him, and then, of course, to look at what the issues are, what our dark sides,  how where they're up, and where they're down, and if we if one is out of if one of our dark sides is too, too high, under on the profile, as we do that, do it  periodically. Then we get help, if it's about paranoia or then we get help. About  controlling behavior and so on. Okay? And then we're able to see with this  graph, and also with the levels where the percentages are with the profile and  how to score it and so on. We'll have instructions about this later on in the  course. So So those are the dark sides as an introduction, as to help us  understand that, yes, we have things to face. We have things to look at. And I  encourage you to do more research on this. And also encourage you, of course,  as you read the materials from overcoming the dark side of leadership the book, and also looking at this PowerPoint in general, that we can then further get zero  in on where you're at today and where God continue to make you fruitful for His  Kingdom.