Video Transcript: Introduction to Personal Darksides

Well, here we are topic three, overcoming the dark side of ourselves, as well as looking at our personal dark sides, so we are aware of what they are, to define them, to look at them, to then come up with a plan of how to manage them. And overcome, as I just mentioned. 

Well, dark sides, you're probably wondering what on earth is Dr. Mark talking about? Do I have these dark things? We all have dark things in our lives. You could say that, yes, we all have sin in our lives; we deal with many issues and problems. But what is this dark side about? Or maybe you're thinking of Star Wars and Darth Vader Yes, to the dark side, you know, and so on.  Those funny moments that, now that we look back years ago, when those movies first came out with Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader and so on. Come to the dark side, Luke. The power, the dark side, you don't understand, says Darth Vader. But the truth of the matter is that we take that term dark, and the dark side of us has to do with the shadow side of us. We look back at our family of origin. Although you must admit, as we look back, often we don't want to look at our past. Now, we said in the last video, Second Corinthians, chapter five, the old has gone, the new has come. We are victorious as Christians. We know that we are free in Christ, the Son has set you free, we are free indeed. Absolutely.

However, we also talked about in the video and topic too, that we have this disconnect with God. We have we have fallen short of God's glory; we still deal with sin. And we still have an opportunity to bring heaven on earth. It's good thing. However, it takes the process of sanctification, that theological term meaning how we need to get rid of the things that inhibit, get rid of the barriers, only with the power of the Holy Spirit. Only with God's help can we do that and become God's workmanship to do the purposes He created in advance for us to do, those purposes, to be the hands and the feet, and the head and the neck and the torso of Jesus. So, we need to be aware of our own shortcomings, of our character defects. Because those character defects, those behaviors that we know, we fall into the traps we set for ourselves.

The question remains, how am I the problem? Because often what we do is kind of like this: well, I know I've got these issues. I know I have a problem with alcohol, or I know I have a problem with lying, or I have a problem with it taking things. Hmm, did I do that? And we want to shift the blame. As we talked about in the last topic, we shift the blame of the people, like Adam did to Eve: look at this woman you gave me, God, look at this woman. She did it. And we point our index finger with the three fingers pointing back at us. Matthew chapter seven, Jesus talks about that we know when he says why aren't you trying to get the log of your eye before you're trying to get the speck out of your neighbor's eye, when you get the log in your face. That plank in your eye. You can't see anything yet and who are you? We all have problems. We all have issues. We all have our shadow sides and we choose not to look at those shadow sides.

It's kind of like this. Have you ever been an international flight? Maybe you haven't. Many of you probably have, if you are watching this video in Africa or in Asia, or of course if you're in the States and you do a lot of international travel, or Canada, anywhere in the world. And on these international flights, they give you these little packs, black or other colors, and in these packages, as the stewardess passes them out, you open up the little pack. And sure enough, because it's going to be a 15-hour flight, and through many time zones, you're given the proverbial set of earplugs. And then the proverbial night mask, as well as socks, because you take the shoes off, to be comfortable. But let's focus on the night mask and the earplugs. Because what we often do is that we are not willing, or we don't want to, or however you want to express it, look at our past; we don't want to look at the shadow sides or the dark sides of ourselves. We simply want to hear no evil. So, we don't hear anybody else telling us when we've fallen short or have done wrong. We don't want to listen to ourselves, either, or especially, we don't want to listen to God. Many times, during the day or week, and often too, we just don't want to look at our past. Hear no evil, see no evil, I'm free and Christ, I must be perfect. I have everything figured out. I'm fine. I'm just literally fine.

And yet, I'm still blind. And yet, if I'm fine, now the word fine means I'm freaked out. I'm insecure, I'm neurotic. And I'm emotional. I can't handle things going on right now. I am forced to listen to what's going on around me, unfortunately to hear the constructive criticism where I did my wrong. I'm forced to look at what's really going on, what I haven't seen before. And I'm sure many of you have experienced that as you have grown in your faith in Christ, in your walk with God. So, Jesus takes off the mask, He takes out those earplugs. And he says, Okay, now, I'm going to help you see what those dark sides are, because you're still a broken person, through my lenses. And the dark side often refers to leadership. We lead ourselves, we lead others in our home, we lead organizations, we lead other people in relationships, outside of organizations in our home, and so on. And this is where this comes from, but also just looking at the dark sides as they are.

Well, what are they? Let's take a look today. Overcoming the dark side. You may recall, many years ago, how Mr. Clinton was angry in denial. He wanted to put on that mask. He wanted to put in the earplugs and he said, I did not do anything wrong with that woman. Hmm, kind of sounds like Adam and Eve, that woman that you gave me and the woman and that serpent, and the lies that the serpent said, God don't you understand? God understood completely. And of course, it says here, ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.’ When actually he did. Full denial. And there she is with Mr. Clinton in a public setting. And then Mr. Clinton with his wife, Hillary, in the middle of it all, the dangers of the dark side. Well, why It is the dark side? In this context, how did Mr. Clinton get to this point where he was womanizing and acting out; as well as an Omaha pastor in Nebraska here in the States, exposing himself; as well as a Methodist Church official charged with lewdness. And also, Reverend David Tyrell of the Southwest Community Church Pastor in Arizona, years ago, but his example illustrates is under fire for revelations of nude hot tub photographs of him, his wife, and a married parishioner who resigned Saturday. And I'm sure for those of you who have been tracking the news, especially us in America with the "hashtag me too" movement. And if you've been online, you probably have seen this come across the news lines, the news feed that women coming forward saying yes, this actor Bill Cosby, this movie director, Harvey Weinstein, and this other well-known person, this and that other coach, and this other teacher, he abused me. The women have come forward to say and stand up, which is good. But it reveals also the brokenness of these men, but also of women too, all of us.

There's the dark side. It's everywhere. There's the company, Enron years ago; this lady here was convicted for murder. Another gentleman who was caught up in fraud. Martha Stewart, you may recognize her as well. She went into prison because of a trading fraudulent act within her own company. And other examples. Where does it stop? Unfortunately, with the human experience, it doesn't. But we, with the power of Christ, can have victory over this. We can overcome it.

Another example: a Baptist leader who is charged for sexual issues, and also a political leader admits to affectionate liaisons, and also a former governor, serving two and a half years in prison. And on it goes. So, what are the top 10 dangers? See, this goes back to the family of origin. It goes back to how you were raised. And also, what generational things have been carried over, of course, we read about in the Bible about generational sin, but it's truly looking at who you are, in particular, who your mom and dad are, your home life and Dad wasn't there. Of course, it was just mom, or vice versa; if there are many siblings or just a few. And also, what you were taught, what values that were instilled? Well, let's look at what the "now" can be about. And of course, perhaps you are already in ministry, or you're in business, but you're looking to go into ministry, you can probably relate to this quite well. How about the top 10 dangers as we look at the shadow side that we don't want to look at? We don't want to hear that 10. And the top 10: stagnant, ineffective organizations. Just hear the stories now. Nine: anger, frustrations cynicism. And in the church course across the board, there are church splits, people who leave, premature ministry dropout, or of course in business leadership, dropout turnover, all the time. Substance abuse, addiction, forced resignations. Number five: burnout, physical illness. Come at number four: sexual immorality, divorce and family breakups goes back to the home. Finally, loss of ministerial credentials, shame, as well as discrediting of the cause of Christ and of course, as the first two ministers in particular and church leaders, but also referring to business leaders have been disgraced in many in all sectors, all things. 

I’ve cribbed the top 10 dangers list off the Power Point for you:

10. Stagnant, ineffective organizations

  9. Anger, frustration and cynicism

  8. Church splits

  7. Premature ministry drop-outs

  6. Substance abuse

  5. Forced resignation

  4. Burnout & physical illness

  3. Sexual immorality

  2. Divorce & family breakup

  1. Loss of ministerial credentials & shame as well as discredit to the cause of Christ

So, we have the top 10 dangers we have these areas to look at to become more aware. Take a look here: what's going on? Look at what's going on, evaluate, do a self-inventory. How am I doing? I trust God, He is the lover of my soul. But how am I loving me? Love Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. And if you are loving yourself, you're taking the time to say, Where am I at?

Well, in this session, and as we look at the sessions, we're looking at session one, as a big picture: every leader suffers from some degree of personal dysfunction, ranging on a continuum from extremely mild to extremely acute. And our personal dysfunctions, very often, serve as the driving force behind our desire to become leaders, and achieve what we perceive to be success. Now, you could say, I'm a follower. True, but we also lead by following and vice versa. As we lead by following, we have to understand what's happening, what's the driving force behind what we're doing? What's motivating you and me? Is it that dad said, for example, you won't amount to anything? And the more that was said, the more you started to believe that, even though it wasn't true. The truth of the matter is, is that you came out of that household, where dad said, You're not worth anything. And he had his beer with him and he's drunk. As a you all, not anything, blah, blah, blah, ha. And you so you had addictive behaviors modeled in front of you, you had abuse, you had verbal words, that just said, you can't get beyond what where you're at right now. You're worth dirt. Complete lies, untrue. However, you say to yourself, that's not going to be the case, I'm going to overcome it. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to succeed and prove him or her, maybe its mom doing it wrong, prove them wrong.

The problem with that is that there is a shadow side we don't see right away. We don't see this whole thing of the hurt and the pain. If the hurt and the pain issues aren't dealt with, we then often come to this point saying, well, I'm going to succeed as that CEO, as that senior pastor, as that church leader where I'm going to I'm going to succeed, but at the expense of not dealing with my issues. And that's where that can creep in 30 years later, 20 years later, or just into early in your career. And then things happen, like to Mr. Clinton, things happen like to with Martha Stewart and other examples, with Bill Cosby recently who was indicted for sexual acts that women came forward said yes, he did this. And he had to be in complete denial and everybody thought beforehand over the years that he was a man of integrity. But now we find out that there's some shadow sides he just didn't deal with. So we look at a degree of personal dysfunction for broken people, of course, goes back to that biblical theological truth, and our personal dysfunction, it often serves as a driving force: I'm going to prove them wrong. It's like a life debt,

Now, the next section is a session with this focus on the dark side. We're also going to look at how we're not aware of the dysfunction that drives them. It's the ignorance that allows our dark side to develop unchecked and that's what I was talking about. We just don't look at it; it's unchecked. And the dysfunction that often drives us to succeed and achieve success as leaders generally has a shadow side that can produce significant failures. Once we have attained a level of successful leadership, wherever you are: management, being that factory worker, whatever level of work you're in, or church leadership, whether it's the that position that is just doing the day-to-day work around the church building, or you are the senior pastor.

Session Three, identifying the understanding our particular dark side will enable us to deal with it more effectively, and develop a personal plan. Here's the key: a personal plan for overcoming its negative and destructive influences. And the next topics, we're going to be seeing some interviews, interviews with Pastor Greg Chandler, and also miss Colette Compton, part of my team, both have been through their stories, and you'll hear it, see & hear some of their stories and be able to relate with them. And, of course, other examples as well, to help you understand truly what's going on with your shadow side, and all the dysfunctions that you're struggling with. 

And in Session Four, we're going to look at developing that personal plan. See, that's just the deal. Develop the plan, how we're going to intervene in ourselves, for it is a given that we go to God: that's the first thing, it always begins with prayer. But then, where the Holy Spirit then comes in, and I don't get in the way. I am the problem. That's the big deal. I am the problem. If I'm the problem, then I have a lot of problems to overcome. Because it's not about others. It's about what's going on with me. However, we can develop that personal plan that will help us consistently overcome our unique dark side and enable us to exercise healthy God glorifying failure, free leadership, with God's help, and to the best of our ability: all God.

Well, what is personal dysfunction? What is it? It's anything that impairs our normal functioning in relationships, human interaction, and or life situations. Personal dysfunction is anything that impairs our normal functioning in relationships, human interaction, and or life situations. So, examples of this dysfunction. And you're probably thinking, oh, man, I can just, I can see it now. Dr. Mark is getting right to the root of what I've just been dealing with! Or, boy, I don't buy into this at all. But I'm willing to look at this, to everything else in between. Maybe this is new to you, but you're open to it. And I hope so. So, what are some examples of the dark side of dysfunction? Oh, perhaps it's an attitude?  I'm not worth liking. I deserve the best of everything. Those two opposites. So, I'm not worth liking, where you're saying I'm just dirt; I don't matter too much. Or, I deserve the best of everything. Again, going back to family of origin, perhaps you lived in a very wealthy home, and everything was given to you.

Of course, I hope that you've seen beyond that, where that's not always healthy. We do need, again, to work to God's glory, and of course, to own what we do and how it's done and so forth. The world does not owe us anything. It's not about us. It's about God. But dysfunction, nevertheless, is also a behavior. Passive aggressive actions. Oh, yeah, I'll do it. Uh huh. And then you don't follow through? Or, let's, let's go over here. You say to your employees, and then they have expectations that they think are your expectations, but then they come to that event or they come to  that job? That task? Is not what they expected at all. And it hurts them. Well, benefits you passive aggressive, lying.

Always violent anger. Can domestic violence versus domestic tranquility, acute shyness, perhaps the being introverted? Yes, we have those of us who are introverted, those of us who are extroverted. We'll be discussing that too in this course, about temperament. But we can't use temperament as an excuse; we have to address if we are very shy. Or if we are very extroverted. with anger and bad behavior. And things can be both in and out, things can be indirect and direct, we can get into this place where we can manipulate, control people without saying a word, or by being very belligerent. A thought:, I will never succeed at anything, getting the lie that dad told you, you always fail. Maybe it's because you are your worst enemy. And we need to trust God with everything.

A habit, pornography, alcoholism, or what like we say, addiction. Also, we talk about addiction later on in this course, as far as behavior and patterns, and what that means. But it's related to pornography, alcoholism, compulsive spending, compulsive exercise, or eating, whatever the idol, whatever that thing is, that perceived need that we have, or drug of choice that we need to medicate our pain. What is that? A habit? A fear? A fear of death, a fear of failure, a fear of loss? And this course also will help us to understand better and better how to reframe our current state and what could happen in the future, to reframe what happened in the past, the understanding of what's going on with us and what happened, our family of origin and so on. Reframe, also talk about that too.

And conflict management, as we go forward in this course. In addition, a memory, abuse, ridicule, pain. And here's the practical reality of dysfunction. Here's the spectrum. For some of us, it's pretty much on the mild side. Yeah, there's some teasing, you know, when we first hit age 12, a 13, and the acne pops out, or the that rejection is done by that that kid in the playground, or that group of kids, and you don't feel accepted, that does spiral into something worse, but it's just that initial surface thing that you need help with. Or, further into the spectrum. We see parents will divorce, adoption or abortion, social stigma, perhaps you are struggling with HIV, and it wasn't your fault. You were born with it. As I work in Kenya, Africa, with Pastor Isaac and Esther who are partners with community recovery, which is the organization that I oversee, and as we are doing recovery ministry, with Pastor Isaac and his wife, Esther, and Rift Valley Fellowship in Kenya. They're working with many, many women who are coming off the streets who have been in prostitution. And unfortunately, their children have been born with HIV. Maybe that's you today. Maybe that's something that we need to go to God here and say, Lord, I need your help. And God will help. But of course, we need to realize that with God's help, we can overcome; we can't fix ourselves. And yet we deal with dysfunctions because of these broken things in our world: social stigma. It comes back to that, because often if we have something that's as happened to us, if you're dealing with HIV, or you've been through a disgraceful experience, because of what your parents have done or whatever, and the rest of the community has been shunning you, has been putting you out stigma, or here we go with the more extreme, physical abuse, the alcoholic, the death. And these things are so deep that we need God's help to overcome them. Of course, with God's help from the Bible and also the 12 steps of recovery, and how we achieve tranquility. It's through the Holy Spirit and His power, but we need to be understand what these things are that we're trying to overcome. 

Okay, so the reality:  where does this dysfunction come from? In video number two, topic two, we talked about the theological truth of the fall, Genesis chapter three, Adam and Eve. That is the first thing we turn to. It was Adam and Eve who opened the door; they allowed it to come in, the complete disconnect between mankind and God. Total separation. Family of Origin, as we talked about personal experiences. And we're not here to blame our family of origin, not here to blame anybody, but to look at me, look at ourselves. Did things happen with mom and dad? Did things happen with the teacher? Things happen with those boys and girls on the on the playground? Or did that abuse happen? Because the uncle or the aunt did it? And those are personal experiences. But we also say, well, we need to understand it so we can get help about it. And personal circumstances--poverty, struggle, pain, disease, genetic disorders--dysfunction can rise out of these sources. So why doesn't God just remove all this? The classic question, ‘Why does God allow bad things happen to good people?’ That question is asked too much. But it's still asked. That question still comes up. And the truth of the matter is, we go back to the fall, Adam and Eve opening the door: not God, human beings. So why doesn't he just remove our physical ailments or dysfunction? Why doesn't he just remove our nearsightedness or asthma, gum disease or disorder or respiratory issues, diabetes?

Well, the first reason is this. They provide the raw material for our character development. It's the raw stuff that we need, but the raw stuff that God takes, rather. And he brings it together and it says, okay, you went through this. You went through that. Let's show you: it molds you, shapes you up so that you realize, of course, that I'm in control and not them or those people, or you, but I'm going to use the brokenness to make something beautiful. 

Kind of like that whole story of the of the Indian servant with the pots and the whole story goes that the servant has a cracked pot and he has a pot that is not cracked. And he goes to the pond back and forth through his master's house. And the crack pot is full of water and of course, each time he goes back and forth, the crackpot is leaking water out of his pot and the Indian servant knows this;, he knows that this is the situation and he just allows that crack to remain. Of course he has a pole cross the shoulders and the cracked pot on one side & that good pot  on the other side and the crackpot leaks the water and the flowers on the crackpot side are starting to spring up, where that's not the case on the good pot side. However, the cracked pot doesn't realize this. And the cracked pot asked, if pots could talk, that cracked pot asks the Indian servant, Why is it that you don't fix me? Why don't you fix me? I've got this crack, and I'm leaking water. You fill me up but then I'm half gone. Water's half gone by the time we get to our Masters House. Ah, says the Indian servant. Now that you see, let me tell you, I've allowed that crack to be in you, so that as that water leaks out you notice the flowers growing alongside the road. And putting this in the biblical context where the Indian servant is saying God is using you to bring beauty to my Masters House? Or as if to say actually, where you are bringing beauty to God's house, to God the master, and bring life all around you. Even though you have a defect, even though you have a crack, God is doing the same thing here. Everyone through that raw material to the cracks in our lives. We have that character development that God allows to happen. Consider it joy, my brothers when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its perfect result, they may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James went to before: you see, if we pick apart this verse, or these verses, and we see about the testing of our faith, and it produces endurance, and perseverance. It brings a perfect result. beauty. God works through the brokenness, until Jesus Christ comes back. And then we are made complete. 

Also, Romans five: ‘and not only this, but we also exalt in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope. And hope does not disappoint. Because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit, who was given to us.’ Flowers, beauty, hope, the cracks in your life, God uses them to bring all of you together with other people as the fulfillment of his purpose as the body of Christ. You may not be the hand, you may be the eye; you may not be the ear, but you may be the mouth; you may not be the head, but you may be the foot. We are God's hands and feet. Romans five, and we are then are looking at perseverance through their trials in this broken world. And God then completes us.

Well, the second reason about why God just doesn't remove our dark sides is that they serve as the anvil upon which God shapes our leadership. Just imagine an anvil, like the blacksmith. I checked around, I couldn't find an anvil that was apt for what I needed today. But just imagine an anvil and then a big hammer. And I brought a hammer in. And one of our other videos I've done here, but just imagine the hammer and the hammer, just like the blacksmith, pounding out, getting rid of all the defects in the metal, pounding out in the shaping and forming us. And we also see what God was doing through others. Joseph, for example, his story, how he was falsely accused by Potiphar, how he's put into prison, how God used that tribulation, that trial, to bring him to the second-in-command role with Pharaoh. Moses, age 80. Of course, he killed in Egyptian at age 40. God said at age 80. I'm now calling you now go into your calling. And that was another 40 years. Of course, Moses said, I'm not I'm not the guy. Oh, yeah, you are. God said. He takes those issues in Moses, his life and Joseph's life, David's life. Esther's. I remember her: she dealt with the taboos and the things you don't do with the king, with the King of Persia and being his wife, how she had to ask permission to go into His presence, and so forth. And how she wanted to save her people. It was life and death. God used those things. The apostle Paul, President Lincoln, Prime Minister, Churchill, President, FDR, many, many trials that God uses as those things where God pounds out of us what we allow to be barriers, but then he uses them and reshapes them to form us, to make us complete. 

Okay, so how does also how does the dysfunction contribute? Our personal dysfunctions are a normal part of human development in this fallen world, as I've been explaining; there's no way they can be avoided. However, when we respond to them in negative, unhealthy ways, that's the that's the key. If we respond to them in negative unhealthy ways, and for example, again, going back to the earplugs, we just don't want to listen. So, we just we avoid, and we don't listen, we stay in denial, we think we're fine, but we're not fine. Or we turn the blind eye. And we just don't want to see. However, these dysfunctions we deal with are a normal part of our development. We're in a fallen world. There's no way we can avoid them, we can't just be blind to them. But when we respond them in negative, unhealthy ways, if we keep the mask on, keep earplugs in, the development of our dark side begins, so if you did not deal with the abuse, with the help of someone else, of course, God first and maybe a therapist or another counselor or an accountability partner, however, that would be all the above, all together, then that Darkside begins to grow and manifests itself in ways that are unhealthy. And then we have something happen, like what happened to Mr. Clinton and also to those other pastors.

Also, what makes your dark side so dangerous aren't natural responses to our dark side. Here's how we often respond, in denial, as I mentioned, self-deception. It's not happened to me. It's, of course, part of denial, but I am just the best thing ever. I'm successful, I can do it. It kind of reminds you of how we deceive ourselves, and that we are the answer. Ephesians 2:8-9, As we said, in the video, too, is by grace, we're saved by faith not by works, but then we deceive ourselves and thinking the work that I do. I can take care of it. I'm on top of it, when we're not also rationalizing. Well, this happened; because this happened, this person so, but it's all okay. When it's not okay. Justification, where we tend to justify our bad actions, our sins covering it up. Wait a minute, if we hide it, and make sure nobody sees it. And we keep things underneath our hat. Well, yes, it'll be okay. No one will know that I took the money; no one will know that I had the affair; no one will know that I'm into pornography. No one will know that I drink to excess. Eventually they'll blame shift: She did it, he did it, not me. Ah, victimization, where we victimize other people because of our mistakes and project on them, what we don't like about ourselves. Defeatism? Oh, I kind of remember Winnie the Pooh. And you have Eeyore, the donkey and it's all "Everything's bad. Oh man." And you defeat yourself before you can even get to the task, or to the challenge, and win with God's help.

So, let's understand what are the needs that drive us. What are the things that drive us? We have needs, we have wants as human beings. And that may seem obvious, but often we don't recognize it, and we don't stop and say: okay, I need this and I want that. Here are my strengths here my weaknesses. So, what are the needs that drive us? 

Well, this is coming from Dr. Maslow who built the hierarchy of needs, as you can see here on the screen, and the first need we have is physiological, where my person has health, and I am functional and I'm healthy. And I'm able to go from point A to point B, and I'm also safe. So, I've got safety around me. I've got food to eat, water to drink. And I'm doing okay with my physical needs and also, I have safety. So I don't have to worry about losing my life. 

Love. I have parents that love me I have a family that's loving. I have a community that is supportive. I have a spouse whom I am now able to love and reproduce the same esteem. Yes, I have what it takes. Yes, I am validated. Yes, I have. I am me, I am Dr. Mark, I am John, I am Jack, I am Sue. I am Jane, whoever you are, you are you. And also then, we've been discovering ourselves, we say, Oh, now that I have all these other needs these base needs met, from the physical to the safety to the love and the esteem. Ah, now I'm discovering who I am in Christ and my purpose in this life. And those are the needs that drive us just to acknowledge and understand. And so we could put it in a framework right now.

Okay, so what are the missing blocks on our pyramid of needs? What then happens? It all sounds good. All sounds good, Dr. Mark, but we know the truth. Yes, we do. What happens when some of these most basic needs are never adequately satisfied? Worse yet, what happens when we experience some traumatic event during our childhood or developmental years that causes us to feel threatened, unsafe in one of these essential areas of need, and where we've been violated and when certain events or experiences threatened us in one of our needy areas, or when we are deprived in any way. We should expect that satisfying that particular need will become a controlling element of our personality. So, for example, if I had been told I'm not worth anything by dad or mom or both, and that I'm I should only expect to graduate high school maybe that college is not an opportunity, or that I don't have what it takes to do what dad does or anything else. But I don't feel validated. Or if I don't feel again, ladies, if you don't feel that you are beautiful, and also that that you have what it takes and sort of the message you're receiving from family and others, and all these lies that we begin to believe, well what happens with those situations as we look at those examples again is that it becomes a controlling element, that begins to control you, not you controlling it. So, when we look at addiction for example, often what we have is we have this unmet need and this unmet need that is the controlling factor that controls me. As that controls me, I'm not in control of it and then what tends to happen is that brings hurt pain and also false belief leading to other consequences, thinking that and I get stuck in the stinking thinking and then what we do is we say, okay, in order to take care of the pain and the hurt, I turned to a drug. Let's just call that crack cocaine. Okay, you think alcohol, which is a drug?  You're thinking opioids. You're thinking all these drugs and alcohol together? Ah, but also put in there food, put in there as well people trying to please people all the time. That's my drug. Or I like to watch video games, or do video games all the time, watch movies, binge watching, as they call it. Run Netflix or Amazon Prime. I'm watching movies endlessly because I don't want to face my pain. I don't want to deal with my hurt. So, I turned to that drug, whatever it is. It's not about drugs and alcohol. When we look at these things about the dark sides, and also therefore addictive choices, what often happens is, is that we are looking at the fact that we turn to these drugs, these other people, places and things and substances, to take care of the pain, and anything. That's why we all need to be in recovery. 

We all need to do inventory of ourselves, albeit in a variety of ways, but also, thanks be to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord, we are now saved, nothing is separated from Love of God, Romans eight, but also to we need to be mindful of our issues and get help in the inventory. Okay, so the controlling element, and here's how that works. In addition, events and experiences that create unmet needs, events and experiences. We look at the divorce, we look at perfectionistic parents: well, you're never good enough. Here's the right way to do it. This is what's perfect. You can't feel you measure up. Or rejection by the love interest. She said, No, when you proposed or he said, we're over. And she is devastated. Or you're cut from the athletic team, or there's the death of a parent. I'm working with a with a couple right now where the husband is dealing with issues because of a death of a parent: when he was seven, his dad died. Very, very important to understand the many dynamics going on with that, and how it affects people later on life. Also, physical abuse, which we know is has been epidemic all throughout history; adolescent teasing; economic deprivation, poverty, as well as struggle, two steps forward, three steps back.

So, what's happening here? What are we looking at, when it comes to the dark side, when we're looking at is this, we are seeing that there are debts that we create, or, to put it another way, debts that show up, things that fall short. As if we need a loan of love, if you will, and then can't pay that loan back. Or there's just things just there are not right. Things that need to be made right. And we can't go back and fix the past. We can't fix our weaknesses, we can't fix what they, whoever they are, did to me. So, we look at debts that we cannot pay: the divorce the parents, your parents, if they divorced, that's what they chose to do; also abuse. Again, the abuser choosing to do abuse you. And then maybe you choose to abuse someone else: that is often the pattern. Or adoption. Well, my biological mom and dad didn't want me who am, I mean. We can't go back and fix that, you can't deal with that. Back at that time, because you were in the womb, then you were born and then you were given away. And, Lord willing, to great parents and a great family and for those of you who had a bad experience as an adopted child, my prayers are for you for healing. Healing sibling death, that brother, that sister. School failures. Trying to deal with what that teacher said and what happened then, where am I now educationally? Can I really go back to school? Here you are. You're probably back to school now, here with CLI.

But these become debts things that we want to pay back, we want to make right. Pay the debt. Like Jesus paid our debt and set us free. We want to set ourselves free from these painful things, these hurtful things, these shadow sides, and there are many others. You could probably write about that in your reflections in your journals for this topic, but I would encourage you to do so. So, the drive to succeed, there's a theory called compensation theory.  How do we compensate for what happened back in time? President Lincoln, he had a lot of issues himself, he could read his biography and maybe watch the film about his life. Of course, how we dealt with the Civil War and a nation that was divided; Douglas MacArthur as well, in time of war; Jim Bakker, who is a TV evangelist and how he stole money and also was disgraced. He had a lot of family of origin issues that he could not fix himself, and he needed God's help in order to do things right. And Bill Clinton too, with an abusive background with a with alcoholic stepfather and other issues. Verse Historie. Billy Graham, Yes, Billy Graham, too. None of us are exempt. None of us. How about you? And as I look at me, I often look into each day, how am I the problem, and I want to compensate and want to pay that debt back and I can't.

So, let's look at the pattern, how the pattern emerges. Stage one, we look at the needs. Stage two, if we're pulling back and looking at what's really going on, if we're really taking the mask off, literally, and also taking the earplugs out and say I want to see, I want to hear what's really going on with me. Let's look at what my needs are getting back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Also, the traumatic experiences Yes, I'm by God's grace, I'm going to face my abuse. This existential debt? Yes, I'm going to, you know, look at this this stage and say, I know that that's something I want to make right. And then also looking at the dark side development, what developed, what was driving me to the dark side, what was making me go and not see the real me. Some examples: stage one needs traumatic experiences, the debt we feel that we have to pay back. And then of course, the Dark Side development. We identify our dark side and what I'll be providing for you here in the next topics are, probably not with this topic, but also with the profile of some topics here further, as we get into the dark sides, you'll see where that is, in your outline with the topics: they're online. And with the score, what we want you to do and be able to do is to identify where you're at, there are five areas of dark sides, or five dark sides, to be aware of. Passive aggressive, we address that a little bit; compulsive, and that's a term meaning control. How am I too controlling over controlling paranoid? Is everybody after me? Paranoia: Are they talking about me? In that room with the door shut? Or narcissistic: It's all about me. Yep, see the world, it's a revolving around me today and every day all the time narcissism. Codependency: oh, if you're not happy, I'm not happy. I need to fix you so I can feel fixed.

And that, as we said earlier, can be our drug too, with people places and things. Codependency, and truthfully, we all suffer from all five; they're just at different levels, as we look at the sin nature, as looking at our issues. And how this can be tracked, we can zero in on where we're at to help us succeed. Course all with God's power. It begins with him. And then of course to look at what the issues are, what our dark sides, how, where they're up and where they're down. And if one of our dark sides is too high on the on the profile, as we do that, do it periodically. Then we get help if it's about paranoia, or then we get help if it's about controlling behavior, and so on. Okay. And then we're able to see with this graph and also with the levels, where the percentages are with the profile and how to score it, and so on. We'll have instructions about this later on in the course. So those are the dark sides. As an introduction, to help us understand that, yes, we have things to face, we have things to look at. And I encourage you to do more research on this and also encourage you, of course, as you read the materials from overcoming the dark side of leadership, the book and also looking at this PowerPoint in general, that we can then further get zeroed in on where you're at today, and we're going to continue to make you fruitful for His kingdom.