Video Transcript: How To Get The Right Approach For The Right Client

Alright, here we are, again, coaching basics part two. And in this session, what I  want to do is, I want to talk about how, how to get the right approach for the right client. I mean, really, in this whole, this second course, we've been talking about  how to add a little bit more directive to our coaching. And so much of coaching  

is, is powerful, because of its non directive approach. I mean, the more we  direct, often less motivated, sometimes the client is, I mean, parents find that out very quickly. The parent is always directing, then often the parent has to keep on directing, or the kids won't do it. Yeah, clean up your your toys, you know, be  responsible for something and you have to say it, you know, often parents say  things like, how many times do I have to say it? Well, when you're always on the directive side of the fence, you have to say it a lot. Because the motivation is  coming from the coach, I am telling you what to do. And if I stopped telling you  what to do, you don't do it. But if I help you figure out what you want to do, then  you, the client, you're the client, you're the one who motivates yourself, you're  the one that wants to do it. I'm just helping you figure out what you want to do.  And I'm figuring out how you can do what you want to do better. But the  motivation is intrinsic in you. But we've looked at that, you know that sometimes  certain scenarios, you know, some direction is, you know, positive, or sometimes even necessary, or maybe a lot of direction. It's very difficult to learn, for  example, an instrument without someone directing you helping you. So there's a lot of things like that. So, in this session, I want to talk about well, how do you  know when to do what? How do you know? How do you know, what's the right  approach? And what things should I consider before deciding which approach  might be best? So the first thing that you need to do as a coach is to take note  of your personality type. You're asking, Well, what why do I need to do that,  because your personality type will influence what you want to do. Your decision  of what approach to use might be more influenced by your personality, then  what's really needed in this situation, so at least if you're aware of your  personality type, you can be aware of what influence your personality type has,  on your choice of what approach to use, I hope you follow what I'm saying. I  think you do. Alright, so you might be a take charge kind of person. If you're a  take charge kind of person, then you're going to be by default more on the  directive side of the fence, and you will always see the need for direction,  because you won't have the patience to sit and listen and help the client figure it  out for themselves. Or number two, you might be a consensus builder. And that  was you. Listen, you hate to put your thoughts out there, well, then you'll be very reluctant ever to use a more directive approach. Or maybe you're the behind the scenes kind of supporter person. Again, if that's your personality type, you'll  probably be more on the non directive camp. And even when the directive is  appropriate, you'll be reluctant to use it. Or maybe you're a talkative kind of  person. You know, you get along with everybody. You've never met a stranger  because you you make friends wherever you go. And often talker types want to 

talk and not listen. So you'll be more on the side of the directive. You know, you'll have a lot of experiences and you'll want to share all those experiences and and show someone how to correct and do things in their life. Or maybe you're a  great listener. I mean, that's what you do. You're reluctant to give your opinion  about anything. But you love listening to people, and you're very good at it, you  ask good questions that help people keep talking, you will be reluctant to be on  the directive side, you'll be more on the non directive side, or maybe number six, you're an opinionated person, you know, a lot of things. And you make  judgments about the knowledge that you've acquired. And you know, what's  right, you know, what's wrong, you know, what's good, you know, what's not  good? You know, it works, you know, at least, that's how you feel, you know,  others may disagree with you. But you feel like, you know, things. And it's really  hard not to share what, you know, it's hard to not share your opinion. And so  you'll gravitate towards, than more directive approach? Or maybe you're the  answer man kind of person. I mean, you know, I'm inviting you as a coach to  really analyze who you are. And sometimes it's hard. Yeah, I can't imagine  anyone out there going, Yes, I think I'm the answer, man type? No, because that sounds kind of negative. But maybe you are. So you have to really analyze this.  People that know a lot. You know, they acquire knowledge, they have a lot of  experience. When they read things, they retain it, when they hear things, they  retain it, when they experience things, they put things together. And maybe you  have a lot of answers. You know, it's not necessarily a negative thing. But you  have to realize that if that's your personality type, then you're going to gravitate  towards the directive, when sometimes really, the non directive is what's called  for. Or maybe you're a process orientated person, you'd like things to go, you  know, step by step by step, and you're very patient about it, then you'll probably  lean towards the non directive. Okay, so figuring out who you are, as a person,  your personality type is going to influence you know, whether you're going to go  to the non directive side, or the more directive side and everywhere in between,  and at least, knowing who you are, you can sort of offset that, knowing that  you're, you know, that you're more on the directive side, you can be aware of  that and go, Okay, hold it, I don't want to, I don't want to press every client that I  have into the directive side, I have to evaluate what's really needed here. All  right, next, you take note of the client's personality type, there's your personality  type, but what about the client? So let's say you're trying to coach a take charge  kind of person, that take charge kind of person? Well, you know, they'll want you to be more non directive because they're taking charge. Right. And so if you're a take charge, and they're a take charge, you might have a little bit of a battle  going on. Or let's say you're dealing with a consensus builder type, they will,  they will be very reluctant to, to, to make a decision on anything, because they  want you to help them. So they probably want you to be a little bit more  directive, or the behind the scenes supporter, they'll be looking for you to supply 

some direction so that they can support it. Now, that might be appropriate, or it  might not be okay. So you might have to, you know, press them into in taking  charge more. But by being more non directive, or let's say you have a talker, the  talker will want to take charge. And, and maybe what's needed is for you to take  charge. So you know, so what do you do? I think you you put these things on  the table, hey, I can see that you're a take charge person, I can see that you're a talker, and you're going to want to this. But I think what might be more beneficial  for us here together is that you actually do more on the listening side. And I take  a little more direction. Let's see if you can follow something a listener so you  have a listener a listener will want you to do all the talking. They come to  coaching and you'll sit there and go okay, so what do you want to do? And I go, I don't know, you tell me. You're the coach. And then you'll have to explain, you  know, the whole non directive approach and why that might be a positive thing  to do. And then then they will We'll have to take a more active role. Number six,  let's say you have an opinionated person that opinionated person is not going to  take any direction from you. Because they think they know, but they're the ones  who have come to you for coaching. So honesty is probably the best policy with  these kinds of things with your personality type, their personality type, you just  put these things on the table. Look, I noticed that you're this kind of person, I'm  this kind of person. And we have to work with that, we have to be aware of that.  An answer, man, you might have the answer, man person, and they're gonna  want to take charge. And they're gonna resist anything that that that you have to  say, if you, you know, maybe there's some areas that you need to be directive.  And but they would not, they're not ever listening. You know, they come to you  for parenting help. But the minute you tried to help them understand some  principle of parenting, they counter you in their opinion? Well, they came to you,  because whatever they're doing is not working out. So I think, again, it's being  honest. And putting these things on the table, or a process orientated person  will, will sit back and wait for the process. So what my point in this is, you have  to understand your personality type, you have to understand the client's  personality type. And I think you put these things on the table so that both  parties can be aware of this sort of outside influence as we're trying to make  progress towards some task or goal. Take note of the client's motivation, in the  topic here as well, how do I know which approach to do non directive? Directive  semi directive? Somewhere in between? What do I do? We'll take note on the  client's motivation, the higher the motivation, the more directive and you can be,  if the client is really motivated, I want I want to learn how to play the guitar, for  example. Okay, then let me show you. Okay, I, you know, when a client knows  exactly what he wants, but they don't have the right knowledge, they don't have  the experience, then you can just be directive Well, this is how it goes, this is  how you can learn this, the lower the motivation, the more non directive, you can be, and are not motivated. So if you start showing them how to play the guitar, 

they may not even want to play the guitar was you have to be more non  directive, what do you want to do. And sometimes the client doesn't know, well, I think maybe want to play the guitar, okay, let's try and then you find out they  don't. Because they don't know what they they don't, they're not motivated yet.  So now you have to help them explore areas in their life where they maybe have a problem or things that are messing up things that are causing them pain, if you can help them find where the pain is, then see, they might become more  motivated to want to do something about it. So I think this is this is really a key  important thing. The higher the motivation, more motivated, the client is towards  doing something or learning something or fixing something, the more you can be directive, the less motivated they are, then you have to be more non directive.  Take note of the client's focus. Again, the more focus, the more directive you  can. In other words, the client knows exactly what he wants, I want to be a  better leader. In my company, I want to be a better husband. I want to I have my  third child and I've disconnected to my third child, I want a better relationship  with my third child. Okay, when they know and they're focused on what they  want, the more directive you can be, they're ready for information. They're ready for knowledge. The less focus, the more non directive. I mean, you could you  could start directing someone who's not focused but you don't even know which  you know what direction to motivate them towards. You don't know what the task is. So we got to figure out what the task is we have to figure out what the  problem is we have to figure out what this client really wants coaching in until it's narrowed down until it's focused in you just be wasting your time trying to teach  them and show them to you take note of the client's follow through. Okay, so  there's this thing that the client wants their motivated, their focused. You start  teaching them you do a little directive do a little non directive. But now, what  does the client do with all this? Does he follow through? Does he do anything?  The you know, you set up little assignments in a coaching session, and then you know, you see him a week later. So how did they go? I didn't do it. Okay, so the  more the client follows through the more directive, you can be right? I'll show  you a chord on the guitar, and then you go home and you learn, he comes back, and he knows it, I can show you another one. But if they don't follow, if they  follow through, okay, so I can I can keep showing you things, the less the client  follows through the more non directive, you have to be because we haven't  figured out what the client really wants to do. Until you figure out what the client  really wants to do. There's no point in teaching anything, or showing. So this is  this is, again, this is key to figuring out which approach is going to be the most  effective. Okay, so. And then finally, always explain what you're doing always in,  sometimes you're going to get it wrong. Sometimes you're going to be directive  when you should be non directive, sometimes you're going to be non directive,  when you should be directive, but it's important to let the client know what you're doing when you're doing it. Okay, we're going to do a little non directive here, 

because I don't know if we have the right focus. I don't know if we have the right  motivation. I don't know if we figured out the right task. You said you want to be  a better husband. But it I don't know if we've folk narrowed this down good  enough. So I'm going to be in the non directive camp. Or in a, you seem to know exactly what you want. But you just don't know how to do it. Is that fair to say?  The client says yeah, that's, that's exactly it. I'm motivated. I really want to do  this. I just don't know how to do it. Okay. So I'm going to be on the more  directive side of this, okay, I'm going to show you three or four principles. And  then you make a decision of which one you want to try this week. And then we'll  see how it goes. Is that sound fair? And the guy goes, yeah. So explain, always  what you're doing. So people don't get confused about this directive and non  directive approach. Create an atmosphere of trial and error. You know, coaching, by its very nature is trial and error. We don't always, we don't always have it all  figured out. You're not always sometimes the client thinks they want this. But  really, that's that's, that was a smokescreen. There's something underneath  what they have verbalized that they really want the real problem is something  else, that they think the problem is parenting, but the real problem is the  relationship they have with their own parents. Yeah, but but we don't know that  at first, we don't know until we start working on it. And then when we discover  that, oh, hold it, this isn't working, you know, with the pastor that I know, is trying  to teach him how to do application in his sermons. And I kept showing him how  and you have to think about people in the in your church and what they're going  through, and then imagine in the, you know, and then speak to that situation,  and he just had a hard time doing it. He just couldn't do it. And I couldn't  understand, Oh, finally figured out that the real problem is he couldn't, he  couldn't really have great empathy with the people in the church, because he  didn't have awareness of his own hurts and his own pains with his own father.  Okay. So the reason he couldn't really relate, you know, see into the experience  of other people and see how this passage can can be a balm can be a healing  thing to those people, he couldn't really feel that because he didn't do it for  himself. So now, you know, through a process of trial and error, it's like, okay,  the real issue is you and your own father, and your own hurt, that you built a wall around so you, you can't feel your own pain. And if you can't feel your own pain,  you're not going to be able to feel other people's pain, and you're not going to be to be able to speak to other people's pain. So but you don't know that at first. It's a process of trying to figure out what the real thing is and and the thing that  works or the thing that doesn't work. So create an atmosphere of trying let's try  this. Let I hear this is what you're saying. Can we come up with an assignment  for this week and they figure something out and they go do it. Is that the thing?  Is that or? Or is when they come back is? Are we going to learn something new? That Oh, now we're going down a slightly different process. That's what makes  coaching this really alive thing. This this process of figuring things out and 

making some progress. So the non directive and the directive, you, you might try being a little directive. Does that work? Well, he didn't do anything. So you  thought he was motivated, but he's not really motivated because you did the  directed thing, and he didn't do it. So then you have to, you know, regroup.  Alright, maybe we got to be a little more non directive, because I thought he was focused, I thought he was motivating. He said he was focused, he said he was  motivated, but he, but he really wasn't. So now we're going to step back into the  more non directive, or maybe we're doing non directive. And it's like, we keep  coming to the same thing. The guy knows exactly what he wants to do. He just  doesn't know how to do it. So then you can, you know, we're doing non directive, but I guess maybe we gotta move into a little directive. And sometimes you'll get  it wrong. Okay. But, but eventually, the truth will set you free, eventually, the  evidence of what's going on the change in a person's life, because that's the  goal, right? They come to you because they either have a problem or an area in  their life where they want to grow. That's why they've come to you. Are they  growing? are they solving the problem? That's what's the cool thing about  coaching? Is is very outcome oriented. Is this working? Or is this not working? If  it's not working, then let's try to change our approach. If it's working, let's keep  going in that direction. That's what I love about coaching. And I think you will too, so you just have to get out there and do it. Don't be afraid of making too many  mistakes. It's really a dance. You know, the client coach relationship is a bit of a  dance and in sometimes it really works. And sometimes it takes a while for for  the dance partners to figure this out. So get out there and try. We'll see you  again next time.