Video Transcript: Lesson 9 Exploring Further

Hi, welcome to Christian basics as we explore further in Lesson Nine, marriage and family,  we're using material written by Dr. Ed Roels. And I'm David Feddes, presenting that material  and adding some thoughts and ideas of my own. Question one, is it better for parents to  choose marriage partners for their children? Or is it better for the marriage partners to make  this decision for themselves? If the Bible does not answer this question, how can we  determine what is best? In places where parents traditionally choose marriage partners for  their children, people will likely be inclined to think that this is definitely the better way. When  people are brought up in an area where men and women choose their own marriage partners, they will likely think that this is the better way. Does the Bible give any clear teachings  regarding this matter? Not specifically. In the early part of the Bible, it seems that at least  some parents played a very strong role in finding marriage partners for their children.  Abraham, for example, sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. Even so the woman  chosen Rebecca was asked whether she wanted to leave her family in order to be married, so she had a voice in it, even though others were involved in arranging the marriage. Isaac and  his wife Rebecca later played a strong role in sending their son Jacob to find a wife. They told him where to go looking for a wife. But at the same time, Jacob's own attraction to the lovely  Rachel motivated him. Judges 14:1-4 tells of the role of parents in the marriage of Samson,  although Samson disregarded his parents advice not to marry a pagan woman. Other  passages also indicate that parents gave a daughter to someone in marriage, and the groom  or his family was expected to give an appropriate gift to the woman's father for the loss of his  daughter. various passages talked about that. In the New Testament, Paul writes that older  women should teach the younger women to love their husbands. This may hint that the  marriages he refers to were arranged marriages rather than love marriages. But it's not  actually stated that the marriages were arranged by parents and it's certainly not commanded that all marriages be arranged by parents to observe that something occurred is not the same as saying it has to be that way. In another place, Paul writes that a widow who wishes to  marry again is free to be married to anyone whom she wishes only in the Lord. So she must  marry a fellow believer, but then she can pick which fellow believer she wants to marry. Here  it sounds like the choice of a mate would be up to her not her family. None of these passages  contains a clear command from God as to whether or not marriages should always be  arranged by the parents. For the most part, both in Bible times and in history. marriages were  arranged in different ways at different times, and in different places, there would appear to be  no specific arrangement which is the only one pleasing to God, or the only one likely to  produce a long and happy marriage. In cultures where there are arranged marriages there are many happy marriages. In cultures where people choose their own spouse there are also  many long and happy marriages. Matchmaking arrangements may vary, but in most cases, it  is wise for young people and their parents to seek each other's input when choosing a  marriage partner. In a society where arranged marriage is common. Parents should not force  a mate on an unwilling son or daughter, but rather pay close attention to the young person's  wishes. The Bible commands fathers not to provoke their children to anger, so it'd be wrong to push a young person unwillingly into a marriage to a person they did not want to marry.  Conversely, in a society where most people choose their own marriage partners, young  people would still be wise to seek the advice of Christian parents and ask their blessing on a  marriage. Even though the parents don't actually choose the spouse or arrange the marriage.  Parents have had many more life experiences than younger people. And they're able to  recognize potential problems or pitfalls which younger people may not see. It's also generally  helpful for a bride and groom to have similar backgrounds, although that's not absolutely  essential. It's very important, however, for the marriage partners to share a common faith. For  Christians. This is not only important, but it's commanded. It's also very helpful if possible for 

a bride and the groom before marriage to have some meaningful counseling from people who are able to provide helpful guidance and direction as most married people realize it's not  enough that a bride and groom have strong feelings for each other and it's great to have  strong feelings. But it's not enough. Life has many dimensions and challenges, and potential  husbands and wives should be made aware of these before they make a permanent  commitment to love and live with each other, as long as they both shall live. Question two. In  Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus says that a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to  his wife. Does this mean that young couples should not live with their parents after they are  married? Well, not necessarily. There are situations such as a housing shortage or economic  concerns, which make it necessary for young married couples to live with their parents. There may also be other situations where local customs expect young people to live with their  parents for a while after they're married. However, Jesus teaching in Matthew 19 would  appear to indicate that a man and a wife have stronger obligations to each other than to their  parents, they're to leave their parents as their primary obligation and cleave to their spouse as their new most important relationship. The newly married man should as soon as possible,  become the head of a new household and no longer occupy a secondary place in his home.  And if moving out will aid that then perhaps he needs to move out. If they can keep proper  boundaries where the newlyweds can still make their relationship to each other primary even  if they're living in the home of his or her parents, then it might be okay. The wife also should  give her primary allegiance to Her husband, rather than to her parents. There are many  marriage difficulties that arise from people not dealing properly with in laws or with their own  parents, leaving their parents emotionally and cleaving to their spouse. However, both  husband and wife should seek to maintain a cordial and loving relationship with their parents,  respecting them for who they are, and showing appropriate gratitude for all that they did for  them during the years before their marriage. So there's a sense in which you leave, even if  you don't move completely out of the house right away. And most times, it might be best to  move out but you don't have to. However, when you do move out, it doesn't mean okay mom  and dad I'm through with you never want to talk to you again, never want to see you again.  That's not what leaving is about either. You make your spouse the main relationship in your  life except for God. And your parents are no longer the most important, but they are still a very important relationship, and you're called to honor them and to continue loving them. Question  three, what are some reasons why it might be wise or desirable for a young man or woman to  remain single, rather than seeking marriage? There are various good reasons why a young  person might choose not to marry. Consider what Paul writes about this in I Corinthians 7.  Marriage can bring burdens and distractions as well as joys and blessings. And the  distractions might well interfere with a person's strong desire and commitment to serve the  Lord in some special way. Paul himself chose to remain single for that very reason. He was a  missionary who was constantly on the move and a great deal of danger. And he thought it  best to remain single so that he could pursue that calling from God and there may be others  who have a strong calling to serve the Lord in a special way, which would not be very good for a marriage relationship, but would be very valuable for serving the Lord and other people.  Further, since there are many marriages that result in unhappiness or even divorce, a young  person who has contempt to live a single life might understandably feel that he or she will live  more happily without marriage. Others simply can't find anybody they feel would make a  suitable spouse for them, it would not be worth the risk of living unhappily with someone for  the rest of their life. There are also those who simply enjoy the freedom of living, working,  traveling and enjoying their hobbies and special interests without running the risk of marrying  someone who would be a burden rather than a blessing. Some people just flourish in the  single life. They don't have a strong desire to be married, and so they live a life that they enjoy

very much as a single. All of these reasons would seem to be legitimate if a person is able,  without too much difficulty to live a celibate life as Paul indicated in I Corinthians 7:8-9. On the other hand, a swinging single, who avoids marriage commitments to one person in order to  pursue sexual relationships with many different people is staying single for a very bad reason. That person is living like a fornicator who has no part in God's kingdom so, there can be a  very bad reasons for remaining single as well as understandable and even highly spiritual and noble reasons for remaining single question for one of the purposes of marriage is to produce  children. Are there any good reasons why children why Christians should or may decide not to have children? In Bible times, children were usually regarded as a precious gift from God. Not being able to bear children was usually considered a great disgrace, a huge disappointment,  and maybe even in some cases, a punishment from God or there are situations then when  God is pleased with a couple's decision not to have children. Christians do not always agree  on the correct answer to that question. When married couples prayerfully seek to know God's  will in this regard, and then decide not to have children so that they can serve the Lord more  effectively. Most believers would seem to have no major problem with that decision. Though  even there, I might raise a few questions, because some in missionary situations, for  example, might feel that as a couple, they could accomplish more without having children. But they might be sending a message to the people to whom they're ministering by not having  any children, that children are optional. And so we have to be very careful, even if we think we have noble reasons for deciding not to have children. When couples choose not to have  children because of the very different or the very difficult circumstances in which they live,  such as the very challenging economic problems, severe persecution of believers in their  area, genuine health concerns or other pressing needs, many Christians would not challenge  their decision. However, when couples choose not to have children simply so that they can  spend more time and money on their own pleasures. Some Christians would definitely  question their decision. Each of us must seek to serve the Lord to the very best of our ability  without quickly judging the decisions of others. Ultimately, every decision that is made in  regard to having children must be made prayerfully. Humbly and sincerely. While we're doing  that, we need to understand the kind of age we're living in, we're living in kind of an anti child  age, we should be aware of being influenced by social trends that are anti child, or that look  down on on people who have larger families, and we should take to heart the biblical teaching that children are a precious blessing from God. So that's kind of the default setting, to which  there might be some exceptions. But overall, we should regard children as a precious gift  from God welcome them as blessings from God and have very good and weighty reasons if  we decide not to have any children within a marriage. Question five husbands should love  their wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for the church. What should a  Christian wife do if her husband does not love her, or treat her with kindness and helpfulness  and respect. Regrettably, the situation described here is very common. This may be  especially true in areas where women have historically been treated as second class citizens  or when a Christian woman has a non Christian husband. However, it's also true in some  Christian homes. The solution to this problem is not simple. In Christian homes, the husband  should be patiently but strongly reminded what the Bible says about the divinely appointed  role of husbands in a marriage and God's command. Husbands, love your wives and do not  be harsh with them. Pastoral or other professional counseling may both be needed and  helpful. Happily, married couples could possibly meet with those in troubled marriages.  Sometimes it just helps to be with fellow believers whose marriage is going better than your  own, and they can support you pray with you and encourage you. much prayer should be  offered by those who know the situation and are concerned about it. Women who are familiar  with broken situations, should thoughtfully lovingly and prayerfully provide support for the 

wives whose husbands are unloving, unkind, or not very thoughtful. If your marriage  relationship is really hurting, and it's hard for you to enjoy as a spouse, it helps to have other  relationships where you are loved and treasured and valued and it makes your life much more bearable. Wives with unloving husbands can also be given helpful literature to read on how  faithful wives should deal with their domestic problems. In very many cases, however, the  problem is never fully overcome throughout life, sometimes a woman and in some cases, a  man has to live with a very difficult marriage and a spouse who does not really appreciate  them. This is particularly true in cultures where women are generally treated poorly. So Men  just take it for granted that they don't have to be considerate towards their wives in those  cultures, husbands often do not consider their behavior to be inappropriate. And they're not  easily persuaded that it is we live in a broken world, with many deeply wounded relationships.  And part of being a Christian for many, is to learn to live in very painful, difficult relationships.  Question six, should Christian wives obey their husbands if their husbands tell them to do  something that is contrary to the teaching of the Bible? There are some who answer this  question with a strong Yes, they claim that husbands who tell their wives to do something  wrong, those husbands are responsible for the subsequent behavior of their wives and the  wives who faithfully do what their husbands tell them to do, are themselves not guilty no  matter what they do. However, that is not true. Husbands do have some authority in the  home, but they do not have a higher authority than God does. Wives as well as the rest of us  must always obey God, rather than man. In Acts 4:19, and 5:29, we read of the apostles  telling the authorities who were ordering them not to preach the gospel, they said, We can't  help preaching and we must obey God rather than men. And the same principle applies not  just under the government, but also under the family where ordinarily you honor the  authorities within the family, but God's authority comes first. And so if the man as an authority  in the family calls for the wife to sin, she must disobey her husband and obey God. wives  should not obey husbands who tell them to do something wrong. Question seven. Is divorce  ever permissible for believers? Is remarriage permissible for those who have been divorced  on unbiblical grounds. God hates divorce says that in Malachi 2, although in Old Testament  times, God permitted people to divorce their spouses on certain grounds, just because of the  hardness of their hearts. He was organizing things to make the best of a bad situation. In the  New Testament, however, God makes it very clear that the only permissible ground for  divorce is marital unfaithfulness on the part of one of the partners. Most evangelicals  understand unfaithfulness here to refer specifically to adultery. However, since the Greek  word used here for unfaithfulness is not the same as the word for adultery, some believe that  unfaithfulness may possibly refer to other forms of unfaithfulness as well. From the very  beginning, however, God intended that marriage would be permanent, and he still does. If a  person is divorced on grounds other than adultery of the spouse, that person should remain  single or be reconciled to the spouse according to I Corinthians 7:11-12. However, if a person  is divorced on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness, the spouse is free to marry and is not  considered an adulterer. That's what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9. Now notice in Leviticus  21:7, 14 and in Ezekiel 44:22, we read that a priest was not permitted to marry either a widow or a divorced person except for widows of priests, that prohibition is not repeated in the New  Testament. Now, one more word about this question of separation and divorce, when a  spouse is endangered by the cruelty and the violence of their partner, then at the very least, I  would strongly recommend separation, you do not owe it to your spouse to be their punching  bag. Abusive spouses should either change or separation should occur until they have  changed their ways. And the church should not keep ordering wives to go back to cruel and  abusive husbands and endure that abuse, they should instead hold to account the abuser. So we should not understand God's prohibition against divorce and of remaining faithful to say 

that you just owe it to your spouse, if they're alcoholic, if they're cruel, if they're vicious, that  you just stay in the same home with them, no matter what. This is not what the Bible is calling for. It does mean however, that perhaps you will have a period of separation rather than  simply seeking divorce immediately, and saying never, never, never again will I live with that  person. So we need to understand that in a in a sin racked world where so much goes wrong. It would be unwise to give the advice that people owe it to their spouse to just keep on getting harmed and beaten up again and again and again. Question Eight homosexuality is becoming more common in the world and Even in some churches, should the church today accept a  homosexual lifestyle as acceptable to God? If not, how should the church deal with  homosexual persons who claim to be followers of Christ? No homosexuality is becoming  widely accepted. In some societies. The Bible never condones a homosexual lifestyle for  either men or women. The church therefore should not act as if homosexuality is now  acceptable to God, it isn't the same time we should recognize that for some people, a  homosexual lifestyle seems more natural for them than a heterosexual lifestyle. And if people  are convinced that something feels natural rather than chosen, they may feel that they're no  longer responsible for their conduct. However, that does not make their conduct right or  acceptable in the sight of God. Those who are involved in homosexual lifestyle should be  treated with sincere and loving concern, rather than simply being condemned for something  which they feel is beyond their personal control. At times, professional help, might also be  recommended for those who would very much want to pursue a lifestyle that is pleasing to the Lord. At the same time, they should be shown from the Bible, if they're willing to listen, that  what seems natural is often sinful, and wrong in the sight of God. The Bible says that we're  born in sin. And so sometimes there are things that are with us from very from our very birth,  or at least very early in our lives that are nonetheless wrong, and need to understand that  homosexual people like the rest of us may often have to be reminded that what is right or  wrong in God's sight is not determined by our natural feelings or tendencies, but by what God  Himself teaches us in His Word. The Church must warn that homosexual sin like all other sin,  leads to ruin and hell, if there is no repentance or desire to change. The Church must also  bring good news. Homosexual sin, like all other sin can be forgiven. When people repent and  count on Jesus blood the wash away their guilt, and such sin can be resisted people can  change by the power of God's Holy Spirit living within us. They may change to have their  desires reoriented, or even if they do not change to desire someone of the opposite sex they  can change to the degree that the Holy Spirit enables them to resist their urges to control their passions, and to live a single and celibate life to God's glory. Question Nine. Some Old  Testament believers such as Abraham, Jacob, and David had more than one wife and God  did not seem to condemn them for that. Are there situations today, where the church should  regard polygamy having more than one spouse as acceptable to God? Polygamy is generally  not a major issue in most Western cultures. However, it is still a major concern in some other  cultures. Given the fact that Old Testament leaders often had more than one wife, it would  seem fairly easy for believers in some cultures to justify their own polygamous practices.  However, God created only one wife for Adam in the beginning, and this seemed to be the  divine pattern for marriage in the future. The pattern of having only one spouse is also the  approved pattern for leaders in the New Testament. The apostle Paul writes to both elders  and deacons, he must be the husband of one wife. A significant problem arises, however,  when a man with several wives becomes a Christian and for the first time realizes what God's  intention is for marriage, if the polygamous divorced all his wives, but one, he would be guilty  of divorcing innocent wives. In addition, the divorced wives might have an extremely difficult  time providing for themselves and any children they might already have. They might also be  looked down on by others in the community, and have very little opportunity to support 

themselves. In those situations, missionaries and other mature believers within those  communities sometimes decide that the best thing they can do is to promote a monogamous  one man, one woman lifestyle in the community, and to make sure that no new believers take  more than one wife for themselves. If they are already unmarried or have just one spouse.  They also appoint as leaders, only those who have one spouse at the same time. Realizing  that divorced wives would have an extremely difficult time in their culture. They permit  polygamous men to continue to live with the wives they already have, if they so choose. This  may not be an ideal solution to the problem, but it does seek to meet the needs of people in  less than ideal situations in a loving and caring way. Once you're presented with the fact of a  polygamous marriage. It may sometimes be the best and the most loving way, simply for it to  continue while discouraging others from entering into polygamous marriages if they haven't  already. Question 10 What are some of the most important things that parents today can and  should do for their children? The answer to this question will depend at least partly on the  situation where people are living. However, there are some things which should be relevant in every culture or situation. Among those are the following. Parents should set an example for  their children in every area of life. They should be people who have integrity, perseverance,  diligence, patience, love for family and love for others. They should also put Christ first in their lives. Be faithful to their marriage partners, and show them honor and respect. Be faithful in  worship, prayer and study of the Scriptures. They should seek to return good for evil. show  kindness to those who may not treat them kindly. Be sensitive to the needs of the poor. help  those who are in need and earnestly seek to stay away from anything and everything that  would be displeasing to the Lord, or hurtful to others. Sensitive parents will also spend quality  time with their children. Be sensitive to their needs and concerns, deal patiently with their  weaknesses. Encourage them as much as possible, discipline them in love and pray faithfully  for each child individually. I know in our home, I pray with each child before bedtime every  night and we have Bible reading together as a family every day. We want to have time  together with God in our family, as well as individual time with each of your children, whether  praying with them, whether they're doing something special with them, whether just spending  some time talking and listening to them. Parents should also put much more emphasis on the  treasures of heaven than on the accumulation of earthly goods. Your children in particular and your spouse should know that you value them far more than you value money and that you  value God above all. A good model for all parents can be found in the Scriptures where  Joshua boldly proclaimed as for me in my household, we will serve the Lord