Video Transcript: Are you Codependent? Here are 11 Key Symptoms to Look For and How to Recover

If we're just connecting for the first time, my name is Julia Kristina, and I'm a registered therapist researcher, and online course creator. And I have a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help men and women get through the crap that is holding them back, so they can like themselves in their lives more every day, so that we can all like ourselves and our lives more every day, because I think that's what most of us want. So codependence and I'm not going to go into specifically all the ins and outs of it because I did that in my last video. And I'll put a link to that here. So make sure that you check that out. If you're new to the whole codependence thing. But here, I really wanted to break down the 11 key signs that you might be struggling with it. So if this stuff is really connecting with you and resonating with you, then it's gonna be time to start doing something about it. 

First, we need that awareness. First, we need that insight. And then we need to take the constructive action to heal and deal and work through good work through whatever it is that we're struggling with. So essentially, I'm just going to lay it out to you; codependence is the need to be needed, not liking being needed, not enjoying being needed, not just feeling good when we're needed, but absolutely needing to be needed by especially our significant other, but maybe even most people; that we find our identity in being needed by other people. And that's the boundary between healthy and unhealthy dependence is it becomes codependent when we need to be needed. So those 11 signs not going to go into too much detail. They're pretty self explanatory. 

So the first one is that you're someone who feels really responsible for solving other people's problems. And you feel like if you can't solve somebody's problem, if you can't fix their problem for them, then you're scared that they're going to leave you. Because maybe that's all you think that you bring them to the relationship is being able to solve people's problems or fix them fix their problems for them. 

And so the next one is, you find it almost impossible to say no, and end up giving way more to the relationship than the other person, that you maybe even feel like the survival of the relationship is up to you that you're responsible for keeping the relationship together, it's all on you. 

The next one, you get really hurt or upset or even maybe bitter or resentful, when you feel like people aren't praising you, and recognizing you for everything that you're doing. Because you are doing a lot, you're giving a lot, you're giving everything but then maybe even feeling ripped off or taken advantage of or taken for granted when people don't recognize everything that you are doing. 

And then the next one is that you may need to feel in control all the time and avoid conflict or any kind of upset at any cost that you're willing to do anything given. Put your own stuff aside, do things that you might not necessarily want to do, say things that you might not want to say, act in ways that you're not even comfortable with, because you want to avoid conflict. The thought of having a conflict brings up severe and significant panic in you because maybe even you feel like if there's conflict in the relationship, if you do or say something that the other person doesn't like, that they might just leave you if they don't have any use for you. If you're not fulfilling all of their needs, then they're just going to up and leave you because maybe you don't have any value, or you feel like you don't have any value if you're not meeting all of their needs all the time. 

The next one is you have a hard time trusting yourself and really feel like, if you ever make a mistake, that people are going to abandon you, like there's a lot riding on you. There's a lot of pressure; you really feel like people are just going to give up on you if you ever make a mistake, if you ever make a wrong move, if you've ever screw up, that you really feel all this pressure to do it right to meet everyone's needs, to be what other people want you to be, or maybe if it's just that partner, that key person in your life, that you really feel like it's all on you to get it right all the time. 

Number six is, you feel like your only value in the relationship comes from being able to save that person, fix them, get them through their problems and fix their problems for them, maybe clean up their messes, deal with their stuff, fix everything around them, kind of going around, trying to make everything in their life okay for them, that you're the one that feels like it's up to you to do it for them. 

And the next one is number seven is that you may do anything to hold on to the relationship, even if it's something that's unsafe or destructive, that you may be willing to compromise a lot, you may be willing to do a lot of things that you wouldn't normally otherwise, because you feel like it's what you need to do to hang on to the relationship, because you don't actually believe that you could survive alone, that you don't actually believe that you could do it alone. So you're doing willing to do some pretty compromising things sometimes just to hang on to the relationship. And then the other part of that is that you're willing to do things or not speak up or not set a boundary or not not assert your own wants, needs or preferences in the relationship. Because if you do, you feel really guilty, if you ever make the relationship about you, if you ever speak up, if you ever say anything, you feel really guilty, you feel really bad, and maybe even really scared that the person is just gonna get that up, just like that, and leave you. 

And then the next one is that you will do anything to make that person feel better, to fix their problem, to solve their issue, to come in and save them from whatever it is. Even if you're putting your own health and safety at risk, even if it really could be dangerous for you that you're willing to do it. That the reward of feeling like you are the Savior, you're the one who fixes it, you're the one who is needed by that person, that is worth it to you to maybe do something that could be putting you at risk.

And then the next one is that you might even have a hard time identifying your own feelings; you might really struggle to know what you're feeling. It's like Juliet's nice to say that, you know, I'm doing everything for this other person, I'm trying to meet all of their needs. But what if I don't even know what my needs are? What if I don't even know what my feelings are? And that often happens when we struggle with codependence and we're so used to being there for somebody else. We're so used to doing it all and like wrapping ourselves up in other people's stuff, and making it all about them that we we lose sight and we lose knowledge. And we lose that understanding within ourselves about who we are and what's important to us and what we need. 

And then the last one is that you may only really feel important or valued or feel like you have any worth in a relationship when they need you, when your partner or when other people who need you and maybe even the sense that they can't live without you, that this may even draw you to choose partners who are really needy, who are in crisis, who are struggling, who have a serious or significant mental health issue or an addiction issue, or something else that you feel like, you know, it's not that if you have a partner who has a mental health struggle or an addiction that you're codependent, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying for those of us who may be codependent to look at this, why am I in this relationship? Because I need to be needed? And is that kind of the main reason why I'm there? 

So what can we do about this three really simple things that we can start doing to deal with this one. And the first one is to really do some soul searching to really do some spend some time with ourselves and figuring out: who am I? What's important to me? What do I need? What makes me tick, like, really? Who am I? Who am I, outside of being someone who's just needed all the time? What lights me up? What do I love? What am I good at, and really developing more of these other aspects of ourselves outside of just what we can do for other people who am I and really developing that self into create more of that balance, so that we can do things for other people that it's nice to be needed by them that we can help people out and support them, encourage them, because we like that not because that's all we've got going for us or feel like that's all we have going for us. So developing this other side of ourselves and then the next one is to learn how to create healthy boundaries, to learn how to know where the limits are between being helpful and supportive and taking on other people's stuff and trying to fix them for them.

So where's that boundary is and usually the boundary is between healthy and unhealthy support or healthy and unhealthy being there for someone is, when it's unhealthy, we feel stressed out we feel worn out, we feel maybe even bitter, resentful, overwhelmed with other people's problems. And where it's healthy is where we feel like I can be there for them, I can support them, I can, you know, I can work with them on this one, it feels good. I feel like I'm being a good friend, I feel like I'm being a good partner, or whatever it is. And I'm like, I feel like I can sustain this. I feel like I can do this, I feel like I can keep doing this. Because I'm not trying to fix it for them. I'm just trying to be there for them and support them. And we'll go into detail in another talk, knowing really what that means the difference between sympathy and empathy. And you can look that up if you want to, to get a little bit of a head start. But empathy is healthy and empathy we can keep doing until the cows come home. And sympathy is exhausting and draining and wears us out really quickly.

And then the last thing that we can do, and it goes without saying is really working through our deeper stuff, those attachment injuries that I talked about in the first video I did about codependence, that really looking at those deeper attachment injuries, that stuff that's perpetuating and causing us to act in these codependent ways that we can do this through reading books through attending groups like Coda or even group therapy or seeing a therapist that specializes in this kind of stuff, to really go deeper and healing in and working through and figuring out how to how to get rid of some of these unhealthy ways of behaving getting rid of this codependence so that we can feel more free, and free to love in our relationship, and free to kind of have a two way relationship and not feel burdened or stressed or like it's this one sided thing. 

So codependence, it's a complicated one. It's a complex one. It's one that a lot of people struggle with. And it can be really stressful and can be really overwhelming. And when we're in the process of dealing with it and healing from it, sometimes we just need some stress management techniques. So I want you to grab my nine unexpected ways to immediately reduce stress. I'll put the link here and you can grab that and you can start using those. So as you're working through this stuff, start using some of those resources to help manage your stress that might be coming up in this. If you are new. Don't forget to subscribe so that we can stay connected. And like this one, share it out. Leave your comments in the comment section below. I love hearing from you guys. I love hearing your thoughts on stuff. Is this something that you struggle with? Do you know somebody who struggles with it?

So let's have a conversation about it. And until next time, take good care.