Video Transcript: Giving Your Kids the "I am needed" Attitude
All right, taking control of your parenting. In this session, we're going to be looking at how you can give your kids the I am needed attitude. Proverbs 4:23. Be careful how you think. Because your life is shaped by your thoughts. Your life is shaped by your thoughts. If you're thinking, happy thoughts, then you're happy. If you're thinking sad thoughts, then you're sad. If you're thinking positive, or seeing the positive things, then you will see the positive, and you'll probably make more positive things happen. So why is this important? Human beings are the only species motivated to commit suicide by the perception. I am not needed. I am not needed, I think it's one of the most important attitudes that you can give to your children. The I Am needed attitude. But in order to do that, you have to first believe that you are needed. As a parent, you need to have the sense that you are needed. The problem is that parents have a huge need to be needed, that is often not met. So if as a parent, you don't feel like you're needed, so you have a bit of a self esteem problem, then you are going to be always looking for how your need can be filled. And you'll be looking to the needs of your children result, parents often steal their children's significance. Parents are often in competition with their, with their parents. It I mean, normally, it should be that if the child succeeds, that the parent is proud of that, that, in fact, the parent could even take credit for it. You are a success, because I've helped you. Even if I didn't help you, my genes are in you. And so I get some credit. But strangely enough, there's a lot of parents who, if their children succeed, feel threatened by that. My child is succeeding, but I didn't succeed like that. And I'm feeling as if we're in competition. But it all comes from this sense that maybe they don't, I'm not needed. And, and if you if you have a need, that is not fulfilled then that is what consumes you. So you have a child that has has the need to be needed, but your need to be needed trumps their need. And since you're in charge, you will tend to do things that fill your need, and steal it from your own child. Solution. Parents need to discover their purpose. As a parent, you first have to discover your purpose is sort of like you know, when you're on a flight, and the stewardess comes on and says, Okay, here's what we do in case of an emergency. If you know that there's a drop in pressure, and oxygen masks will drop, first, put it on your own face, then on the face of your children, because if you don't survive, they're not going to survive. So the first thing that you need to do is as a parent is discover your purpose. What is your purpose in life? What is God calling you Ephesians 2:10. We are God's workmanship. The word there, translated workmanship is literally poem. We're God's creative endeavor, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do there's a purpose that God has in mind for you. You need to discover what that is so that you feel a part of God's purpose, His kingdom, His work, two discover your parents need to discover their gifts and use them. Okay. So as a parent, you need to figure out what your gifts are. It's you if you know what your gifts are and you're using your gifts, then you're going
to have no trouble recognizing gifts in your children. You'll have enough self esteem that it's not all about you anymore, and you can focus on them. I Corinthians 12:12, the spirit's the spirit's presence is shown in some way in each person for the good of all. He gives a different gift to each person including parents. I Corinthians 12:27. Now here's what I'm trying to say all of you together are the one body of Christ, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it. That's that sense of belonging. I'm a separate and necessary part of it, that is the essence of feeling like you are needed that you belong. Okay? So first you need to believe in yourself, you have to believe that you're needed, then secondly, in order to get your child to believe that they are needed, you first have to believe that they're needed. If you don't believe that they're needed, then it's going to be hard for you to convince them that they're needed. Well, how do you do that? Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Jesus thought that the kingdom belong to them, somehow they are needed. When we belong to things, we're needed in those things. When you belong on a team, you're needed on that team, when you belong in a family, you're needed in that family. If you belong to a business, then you're needed in that business. Finally, help your child believe he or she is needed, okay, you first have to believe that you're needed. And then you need to believe in your child. And then you need to somehow communicate that you need to help your child, it does no good if you believe your child is needed if your child doesn't believe that they're needed. So here's the problem. Kids today often feel like liabilities, not assets. Why is that? You know, if you go back in history, people were on the farm. And generally people had his parents had as many children as they could, because they needed as many workers as they could get loyal workers that they could count on. So they had all kinds of children, because the work was was you know, it was unrelenting. There was always stuff to do, and, and kids started working at a very young age, you can walk, you can work, you can talk, you can work. So, children were absolutely necessary, they were assets, the family income would go up if you had a bunch of children. Well, today, the family income does not go up. If you have a bunch of children, the family income goes down, if you have children. Children are seen more as a liability, they cost money. School and clothes and activities and everything that kids need. food, and then space in your home, they heat the home all these things. The more kids you have, the more costly the whole thing is. And it's hard for kids not to feel that, that they're really a liability in the family, not an asset. Kids today often feel like they do not belong. If our children do not find a positive place, by the way, if our children did not find a positive place to belong to where they feel needed, they will find a negative place. Kids aren't assets in the family. And then often they don't feel like they belong. You know, there's the in crowd at school, there's the in crowd on the sporting team. And, and that's very, that's a
very narrow band, most kids feel outside of the inside. In fact, a lot of kids on the inside feel outside the inside. Most kids regardless of how at the center, they may look like they are feel like they're the out side. So if kids can't find a positive place to belong, where they're needed, hey, we need you. You're a needed part of this team. Then they will look for any place that needs them. And that's how kids often get into trouble. Because the people smoking pot, for example. They accept everybody, the people drinking a lot except everybody. We don't care who you are. We don't care if you're any good at anything or not. Because you don't have to be any good at anything. so often kids are are vulnerable to being picked off by negative people who want them to join their group and be a part of their thing. If children do not find a positive place to belong, where they feel needed, they will find a negative place. Okay? Solution, what do we do about it? What do you do about it? As a parent, instead of giving your kids instead of giving to your kids, let them give. Parents are always giving. They give you food, you give me clothes, we give you opportunity, we drive you here, we take you there. Instead of giving let them give II Corinthians 12:27. If you give a little, you will get little. If you give a lot, you'll get a lot. Okay, why give a little? In some ways, as parents, we think we are the only ones in the position to give you have a five year old, what's he going to give you? I don't know. What is it? What can he give you? You're getting kids to share. Having you know what, why shouldn't kids buy their parents a birthday present? Or a Christmas present? No, you don't have any money. You have very little money. We're the ones with the money. We'll buy you all the presents. Why? Teach them to give? See your needed here what you contribute is appreciated. If we give them the sense that they have nothing, and what they give is so insignificant, it doesn't matter. Then they have the sense like well, I guess I'm not really needed. Instead of lecturing, listen to them. He who answers before listening - That is his folly and his shame. We often don't listen to our kids. We're off. We're often coaching, directing, directing, telling them what to do, telling what they did wrong. Telling to listen telling them what to do. What did we just listen to them? Hey, you see, when you listen to your child, you're telling them that they have something to contribute? I want to I want to learn about that. Tell me what you learned at school? Really? Could you tell me more about that? That's so interesting. Wow, you're so smart. Thank you for sharing with that, sharing that with me. When you can learn something, let them say what it is, and, and take what it is maybe you can use what they just said. See that communicates to them that you know, maybe they have something to contribute at a very young age. My parents, you know, were listening to me, and they were taking my advice. See, if a kid starts feeling that way at a young age, then maybe as he grows up, he thinks, you know, he goes out into the world, maybe I have something to contribute. People would be blessed to have me on their team. Right instead of lecturing with the finger listening. Number three, instead of chores, give them challenges. Give them
challenges, II Thessalonians 3:10. For even when we're with you, we gave you this rule if man will not work he shall not eat. That's a challenge. You want to eat work. Chores are these things you got to do. All right. We gotta have someone clean the bathroom. Go ahead. We got to have someone mow the lawn. It's your turn. You got to clean up your toys. You've got to wash the dishes. You've got to you know we're always giving them these these instructions of what they do now, what's the difference between a challenge and a chore? You know what the biggest difference is? A chore is easy. Can we tend to give our kids easy things? Okay, clean up your toys. Okay, wash the bathroom. Okay, you know, when they're when they're young, we give them things to do that someone half their age could probably do. And as they get older, you know, we're always giving them stuff to do that they could have done at half the half the age. So we're finally getting them to mow the lawn for example when they're 15. They could have done it at age 10 It will finally teaching them how to cook when they're teenagers. Why can't a seven year old learn how to cook. See, it becomes a challenge then see if If you if you give a difficult chore to a child who's young, it's now seen as a challenge. Look at little kids when they're two, three years old, we buy little lawn mowers for them these little plastic things and the kids want to do it. They want to help. My granddaughter helps her father make coffee every single morning, she is part of the making coffee group. She's only two. Okay. So giving kids challenges. When I was 15, we moved out to the farm and, and when I was, I think 17, my dad wanted to get into the veal business, he wanted to build a barn. And instead of ordering the concrete in the big cement mixer, he decided I'm just going to get a pile of gravel, a pile of sand, bags of cement, and two shovels, wheelbarrow and a cement mixer. And he said to my brother, and I hear you go, you guys get to do the floor of the barn, one shovel at a time. Okay, he was teaching us something. But it was also communicate us teaching us responsibility. It was teaching that that that little by little anything can be accomplished. But also, he was letting us have a feel like we're needed here. We're a necessary part. We moved out to the farm. And you know, my dad taught us how to milk the cows and then the next day he went off to work, then he was communicating to us you are needed, you are absolutely needed, this farm could not exist without us. And the whole reason why he moved mout to the far, because he wanted us to have that sense. So I still have that sense. I am a capable person that is needed. I'm a needed person, which makes me feel that sense of like I belong. All right. I Corinthians 9:26. Paul says I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I fight to win. I'm not just shadowboxing or playing around like an athlete, I punish my body treating it roughly. See, these are all the words of challenge. You know, my father, when my brother and I were teenagers, and we were in sports in school. You know, we're in football, and basketball, baseball, all those things. And he would go to some of our games and cheer us on. But then when we would work, you know,
you were on the farm and we're working. He would say something like, could you go get the hammer, and then he would add and run like you're on the football field. Because at the workplace, we would be like, gotta go get the hammer, right? In the sporting world, we were in a we're willing to do anything. You, you look at kids, they can't clean up their room, they can't clean up the garage. They're tired just doing anything around the house. But then they go to school, they join a sporting team, and the coach is working them to death, and they eagerly go the next day. So what's the difference? The difference is purpose. See, that's what Paul's saying. I'm like an athlete, I have a purpose. And because of this purpose, I'm willing to do all these things. I'm willing to punish my body, I'm willing to treat it roughly, I'm willing to do the training. Because otherwise I fear that after listening others in the race, I might be declared unfit in order to stand aside. I want to belong. I want to be needed. The power of that feeling of needed cannot be understated. People, people need to have that sense. They need to be needed and they need that sense of belonging. Okay. What else can you do to give your kids that sense that they're needed instead of directing ask for their advice. You know, I'm not saying you never direct your kids. Of course you direct your kids, your kids don't know everything and you have to tell them but instead of incessantly directing them on every little thing. Can you ask them once in a while for for their advice? Hey, well, how do you think we should do this? I mean, even a two year old, a five year old. Hey, how should we clean up the mess here? How should we do the dishes? How should we clean the bed? How should we make the bed? How should we clean the room? How should we make the coffee? How should we you know bake the cookies? What what do you think we should do first? Proverbs 15:22 plans go wrong with too few counselors, many counselors bring success. That's true with your children as well. Have a little humility instead of always being right, that being the one in control, always in charge a lot of parents have that they have that need to be in charge. And they're using their kids to fulfill their own needs. Okay? Let your needs step aside. Look you make your kids can have the sense that they can actually do things that they can contribute. See, that's the whole point. How do we get our kids to have the sense that they can contribute? Number five, instead of pokes give them strokes. Fathers don't exasperate your children coming down hard on them, take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the master. Now, of course, discipline is the thing that you have to do. And sometimes there's things that you have to say, kids don't have things figured out. And so you'll have to correct and you'll have to direct. But can't you once in a while, encourage, try to catch them doing something right. Hey, thanks for doing that the family really appreciates that. I appreciate that. You know, when you clean up your room, it helps the whole household feels better about it. When you clean after yourself, and you take care of things, and and you put things in the laundry basket and you wash
your own clothes, you take care of your sister, your brother, that you our family couldn't do what it does without your help to say those kinds of words to your children. How are they going to know that they're needed? Unless you tell them introduce your child to the God who wants both of you on the team. Okay, God, God could have done everything himself if he wanted to. Okay, God, God didn't necessarily need you and I but he created a world where he said, I'm gonna let you guys do stuff. I mean, it's interesting that even Jesus, He came, He ministered for three years, he died on the cross, he was raised again. And then he ascended into heaven. I'll send my spirit, but you guys are on your own. He told the 12 the 11 disciples, and they got another one. He said, You guys, I want you to build the church. Aren't you going to stay? No. You want us to do it? Yes. But we're Who are we? We're tax collectors. We're fishermen. We're, you know, who are we? Yeah, well, you're the ones I chose. You can do it. I need all of you. And I need all the people that you reach, reach people in such a way that they can reach other people, and the whole thing will explode all over the world. And that's what happened. That's what's happened. You look all over the world. There's churches all over the world, every little place you go, there's a little church, and it's a little church. And you go in and you wonder how it can exist. Because the Leadership isn't that great. And you know, they don't have all that they need, and they're not paying their pastor enough and you know, all over the world. And yet, the church keeps multiplying, and multiplying, and multiplying. Why? Because everyone in those little churches is needed. It doesn't work without everyone contributing, using their gifts for the kingdom of God. Introduce your child, to the God who needs who wants your child on the big team. Ephesians 1:11. It is in Christ that we find out who we are, and what we're living for. I mean, that sentence alone. In Christ, we find out who we are, and what we're living for. Long before we first heard of Christ or got our hopes up, he had his eye on us. Communicate these kinds of words to your children. God had his eye on you, my son, my daughter, before I knew that you were coming. He had designs on us for glorious living. Part of the overall purpose is working out in everything, and everyone, including your child. Your child, your child matters. Your child counts. The Church of Jesus Christ needs the gifts and abilities that God is giving and is preparing for your child. The church needs those things. The church will be less if your child is not a part of it. And your church, your child will not be a part of it unless you as a parent, start communicating these kinds of things to your child help them have a sense that they are needed.