Video Transcript: Semi-Directive With Client Stories

All right, we're back. My name is Steve Elzinga. I hope you're enjoying this. This  class. It's it's how do we, how do we go sort of the next level, or perhaps at least the next level of complexity in coaching, coaching is not just any one thing. I  really emphasize the non directive in that first class. But coaching can be much  more than that. I really see it as an art form, when they say something, when to  be directive, when to be non directive, when to ask a question when to tell a  story. So we've been trying to be directive in a sort of non directive way I'm  calling that semi directive One way is by asking questions. Another way is, we  talked last time about case studies. In this session, making the directive more  non directive directive by asking for stories from the client. So in some ways, the case study last time was a case that I would present to the client as the coach.  But now as a coach, I'm going to ask the client for stories, their own stories. Can you do that? Yes, you actually can. In fact, it goes really, really well. In the Bible,  I Kings 19:9-10. This is the story of Elijah. Elijah has this epic encounter with  Baal and the prophets ofBaal on Mount Carmel. And God comes through in a  dramatic way, and the forces of evil are embarrassed. But then the king wants to kill Elijah. And so Elijah is on a high, literally on a high mountain. And now he's in the valley, and he runs for his life. And interestingly enough, Elijah runs back to  where it all started, he runs to the mountain of God, and it was at the mountain  of God that God told Moses, you know, this is who I am, this is what we're going  to try to do. This is what it's all about. And so God brings Elijah, Elijah doesn't  know what he's doing. He doesn't know what's going on. He thinks God's plan of action is the kingdom everything. It's all you know, going down the drain. So God brings him back in his depressed, lazy state, he brings him back to where it  started the very beginning. A lot of times. You know, when we're down and  discouraged, we need to go back to where we first discovered faith. Maybe it  was reading the Bible, maybe it was prayer, maybe it was, you know, a person  that helped us see the truth. And maybe we need to go back to those things  when when life gets, starts pulling us down. So I Kings 19. So Elijah is finally  back to the mountain. He's all discouraged. The word of the Lord came to him.  And this is what God says, you know, Elijah is at this mountain And God says,  What are you doing here, Elijah? And he replied, I've been very zealous for the  Lord God Almighty, the Israelites have rejected your covenant torn down your  altars and put your Prophets to death with the sword, and I'm the only one left  and now they're trying to kill me to try too kill me now, let's say your client had a  story like that, you know that they have a time when life you know, they figured  out what life was all about. And but then they had some things happen in their  lives that just took the legs from under them. Now they're down. Now they're  discouraged. Now they're depressed. What if you could get them to what if you  could get them to tell that story? tell their own story. They're involved in their own story. So how would this work? Okay, let's say as a coach, you take a class and  an area of study that you would like to coach others in. Let's say for example, 

parenting Okay. And then within the parenting thing you are going to, you're  going to try to describe the concept. In other words, you need to teach some  things. Before you can try to figure out a plan of action for your client, I can  teach my client something first about parenting and marriage, or whatever it  might be. You then describe a concept you're trying to teach. You know, so let's  say it's parenting, and I'm gonna teach the I am somebody attitude. I describe  what that is. I talked about the verses, Psalm 139. I give him enough that he  understands what the concept is. And then I asked the client to think of an  incident from their life that relates to that. It might be positive, a positive  experience, or it might mean might even be a negative experience. And  sometimes the negative experiences actually are more powerful than the  positive. So for example, we've done the I am somebody attitude, let's go the  next one. Say you're doing a parenting thing. And you're talking about giving  kids the the, I will try. I will try. I will try attitude. You know, when there's a new  situation, I don't know what the situation is, but I'm willing to try a new sport. I've  never done it before, but I'm willing to try. A lot of times the I will try attitude is the I am willing to possibly fail attitude. And, and do it anyway. In front of people.  That's what the I will try. Attitude is about the reason we don't try is because we  are afraid of failing. And we're afraid of looking foolish when we fail in front of  other people. We're worried about what other people think of us. So ask your  client, can you think of a time your parents did something or says something that helped you get the I will try attitude. When I was 15, my, my parents moved us to a farm. We grew up in the city and all of a sudden, you know, one day I'm in the  city next day, I'm on a farm. My father, we had cows, we had a barn, we had to  milk the cows. In one day, I'm in the city next day, I'm milking cows. What do I  know about milking cows? Nothing. So my father showed us what we're doing.  My brother was 14, I was 15. He showed us how to do it. And the next day, he  went to work. And my brother and I had to get up at five o'clock in the morning  and do the cows. Because we were taught the day before. And this is, you know, if we do it wrong, if we don't do it, it's 1000s and 1000s of dollars, it's a livelihood down the drain. A lot of responsibility. You know, the first time that you know, first time I drove a car a stick shift. My dad bought this used car had a stick shift. We  bought it from somebody and then he threw me the keys and said here you go.  I've never driven a stick shift before. He didn't say I will teach you I'll show you  just threw me the keys and off he went the I will try attitude. My father was good  at getting us to try letting us try and perhaps fail. So asking a client can you think of a story when that happened? Or maybe they can't. Okay, or can you think of a time your parents did something or said something that discourage you from  getting the I will try attitude? You know, parents are pretty good at that. You  know, how do parents discourage kids from the I will try attitude. Every time they try and fail. They come down hard on them. They point it out, you know, my dad  was pretty good at that too. I remember playing softball, it's kind of like baseball. 

And I was the shortstop and somebody hit me the ball and I caught the ball and I threw it to first base but I threw it right over the first baseman's head right over.  After the game my father came out to me and he said, you know you overthrew  that one. Really Dad. Did you notice that? You don't think you don't think that I  got that concept that I overthrew the thing that I made a mistake. I needed you  to point it out. I mean, I knew that I feel a wave You know, letting down my team, I feel way worse than you could possibly make me feel. So I'm sure you know,  people can think of many times when their parents gave them the, you shouldn't  try anything attitude Because if you fail, it's not going to go well. And they taught  you to fear failure, which means you're not going to try. Now, I think people  would have no trouble thinking of stories that relate to the concepts of their life.  Well, how do you use the client's personal stories to coach a client in the  concepts at hand that are things that you tried to teach? Things that you're trying to go forward? Well, first, you listen to the story. First, you ask a question to get  them to tell us. Right? And it can be negative. So you're I know some of you are  thinking, How do I do that? How do I do it? You just ask. You have a concept.  And you can go positive or negative, positive or negative? Can you think of a  story that positively illustrates this concept that we're talking about? Can you  think of a story in your life that negatively illustrates the concept that we're  talking about. That's it one way or the other way or both ways. It's easy. You can  do this. Try. You know, at first, you might be a little confused, but eventually  you'll catch on. So you get them to tell the story. You listen, heal that person's  listening to the client, what struck them about their own story? Now, you told me  the story, what strikes you? Because as a coach, I can guess, or I can tell him  what struck me. But that's not the point. The point is not what struck me the  coach about your story, let me tell you what I got out of your story. No. What do  you get out of your own story? How do you feel about that story? How do you  feel about it today? How does how does this story make you feel? These are  these are really write them down? How does the story that you just told me  make you feel well, you know, makes me feel angry? Makes me feel  discouraged? Makes me wonder what I do as a parent? Do I do the same thing? Because I'm angry? Am I making my own children angry? Do you see how  powerful this is. How powerful it is when you get a client to start thinking about  their own life, as part of the process of trying to talk about a concept. You're  already coaching them, as you're talking about this concept, the motivation, the  desire, the drive to do something about is mounting is building is growing.  Because you're tapping into the raw emotion, of this whole thing. And that's what it's going to take to change anything, people don't change, because they're not  emotionally involved. It's when you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired that you want to make a change. When you finally see the hurt, the pain, and  what was done to you, and you don't want to do that to someone else. Get the  client to figure out what's going on and their own story. Number three, ask the 

client what their story is teaching them about the concept of it. So what is this  teaching? It's teaching me to be more encouraging. It's teaching me to be less  concerned about success and failure and more concerned about whether my kid gave it a try. If you want your kids to have the I will try attitude. then You can't  come down on them every time they fail, because that's not the point. The point  is they succeed if they tried, whether they failed or succeeded at the thing or  not. That they got up to the plate and they made three really good swings and  they missed the ball every time but they tried. They didn't just stand there with  the bat on their shoulder and watch three strikes go by. They at least gave it a  shot. There was the potential for something good to happen. Good job. Try is  what it's all about not succeed. Because if you try enough times, you will  succeed when you learn how to walk, how many times did you fail? Hundreds,  But each failure was a path towards your success one day. So it's about trying,  not succeeding. So how do you honor? Trying? How do you encourage, try  these see, but but it comes from your own story. It comes from the client's own  story, the realization of what it is, because you could just teach this, you know,  you know, client, the important thing is that you get your kids to try, it's not really  whether they succeed, or they don't, it's whether they try and then the client  goes home, and the kid tries something, and spills water all over the place. And,  and father or mother gets angry, just like they've always gotten angry, and in  everything they've just learned from the coach goes right out the door. Because  we don't change our ways, just because someone explained something. It has  to, it has to reach deep down into the core of who we are. We discussed the  what is the concept, we've discussed the concept? How did you know? As a kid, how do you feel? So what do you want to do now? explore, explore possible  goals. So what do you want to do? Now? How do you want to do things  differently? How do you you know, this is what you've been doing? This is what  happened to you as a child, this is what you've been doing is the parents to  know what do you want to do? How do you what what plan of action? what  course of action? Do you want to outline? Try to change this before it's too late.  Number six, make make a plan to reach those goals. Okay, this is what we want  to do. How are we going to do it? What are the steps? What do I need to do this  week? What do we need to do next week? What do we need to do the next  week? And then how do we manage the advantage of using the client's own  stories, the client is more intimately connected to their own stories. I've tried to  demonstrate that the emotion is in the client's own experience, not in your  experience, not in the experience of others, but in their own experience. That's  why the goal even when you're preachy, and you're telling a story, you want to  be telling a personal story. But the point of the personal story is to get them to  think about their own personal story. Because they're going to change and  they're going to get emotionally connected because of their story, not your story.  The advantage of using the client's own stories, the client could possibly get 

more motivated because of their own story. I think I've demonstrated that I gotta  change something I can't let what happened to me happened to my own kids. Or if there's some positive thing that happened to me I gotta pass this on. This is  what my parents did for me and what am I doing with my children motivating the  issues that might get in the way of the client really embracing the concept being  taught become front and center. issues that might get in the way of the client  really embracing the concept being taught become front and center. In other  words, I could just teach a concept I can teach something in about parenting to  this client and then hopefully they'll do something. But if that were true, the client would probably already be doing those things or there's some problems or some walls or some issues in the way of why the client isn't doing these things right  now. And when the client tells his own story, these walls these problems these  situations come to the surface and now we can look at these things otherwise  we go on and on about concepts and making plans but then the next week, you  know it didn't work and the next week is a problem and that makes me you know I didn't even get to it and then excuses and and and soon the client is  disillusioned and you know the coach, you know you don't know what you're  talking about. That's, that's what I hear all the time, you know, couples go to  counseling, you know, and you know, and then they stopped going to counseling them. And many years later, they're breaking up, they're getting divorced. You  ask, Well, did you go to counseling? Yeah, we went to counseling, but it didn't do any good. It was worthless. That guy had no idea what he's talking about. Well,  often, it's not because the guy didn't know what he was talking about, is  because the people weren't motivated enough, weren't more weren't energized  enough, didn't touch the core of their being to do things in the first place. He  didn't really they were there all these walls and from them that they weren't even aware of. They're blaming the counselor, but it wasn't the counselor's fault. It  was all the stuff that was in the way. It was their own fault. And using a client's  own stories often will reveal some of these things. All right. Do you see how  interesting this all is. And again, it's an art form. And not only is it an art form, but it's it's a thing that grows with experience. So as I'm talking about these things, I  keep thinking of example, after example, when people after people in my own  stories, and I get overwhelmed with because I've had all this experience. And a  lot of times, they instinctively know what to do, because of things I've done in the past, the failures, the successes that I've had in the past. And so you might be  just starting out with all this and maybe you're overwhelmed with this kind of  thing is something you need to go over and over many times need to go over  these things and then try certain things out, then come back and watch it again  and and then go out and try and maybe you'll get it right maybe you won't get it  right, maybe they'll get it part right. Becoming a really good coach takes a lot of  practice. A lot of what I'm talking about semi-directive coaching. So in right now,  I'm directing all this stuff, I'm telling you all these things. So but you need to you 

need both, you need to go out there, you need to try to help people, you need to go out and make a few mistakes. And then come back to the material again and  look at it again and think about how you could have done the constantly  evaluating and re evaluating. It's an art, but it's also about practice. So I guess I  want to encourage you don't just listen, don't just think you're going to all of a  sudden be this incredible coach, it's going to take some time. But you know  what? Often even if you're not even doing it that well, you're doing better for  people than they would have had otherwise. So don't feel like as you're  practicing that you're giving someone you know that you're just making mistakes on people. Because even if you're getting half of this, you're still going to do  better for someone's life than if they hadn't come to you at all. So, even failures,  move the ball forward. So I want to encourage you to get out there and start  doing some coaching every interaction that you have with Alright, until next time  you