Video Transcript: Love Busters Part 1

Incredible attraction for the opposite sex, that's the definition of it. And if you feel incredible attraction for your spouse, a divorce is just simply out of the question. You're never going to even think about a divorce, and it'll bring the best out of you. In other words, the things that you should be doing in your marriage are going to be easy to do. You're going to feel more like caring for your spouse. You're going to feel more like being the kind of husband or wife that God wants us all to be.

Many people say romantic love leaves after the first three to five years. Others don't count on it lasting for life. And I think what Bill is saying, and we can attest to and other couples as well, is no, that's settling for half a loaf. You can. You can have that same sizzle, that same excitement to see each other that just lit up your eyes when you were talking about that, you know. No, it doesn't have to end. And there are ways that you can continue it on. But many are out there saying, Listen, don't even expect it. Learn to live without it and get on with your married life. That's sad,

It is. And people, please take it from this couple. 47 years married, and Willard and Betty, 50 plus years married, Audrey and I, 26 years married. Come on, it's only getting better. And I remember when I was younger, you know, newly married. And I mean, it was good, it was, but it only gets better. And it's different, but it does get better. It does.

Let me just make one other point, that is that there are four kinds of marriages. We know that 40% of marriages end in divorce. So one group, they don't make it. They end in divorce. 20% end in permanent separation. By that, I mean, they stay married, but they don't live together anymore, and they die separated. Another 20% are in in a marriage. They're living together, but they're very, very unhappy with their marriage. They are not in love with each other. 20% are in love. 20% are happily married. Now the question is, does that mean that you've got one chance out of five of having a happy marriage? No, you have 100% chance of having a happy marriage if you do the right things in your marriage, and by do the right things, I'm talking about depositing love units and avoiding their withdrawal, making massive love bank deposits by meeting important emotional needs and avoiding the withdrawals that we're going to be talking about today.

Okay, so this is the deposit right? This is identifying our needs. Needs and identifying the needs of our spouse, so that I can begin to make those deposits right, so you can learn their language, speak their language, and love them in the way that they know that they're loved. Okay, now today we want to begin to introduce love busters. Okay, what's a love buster?

A love Buster is any habit that makes your spouse unhappy. We talked earlier about the fact that when you make your spouse happy, you make love bank deposits. If you make enough love bank deposits, you end up bursting through the romantic love threshold. You end up being in love. But you can do the opposite. You can make love bank withdrawals. You can do things that make your spouse unhappy, and when you do that, you lose the love that you had worked to achieve so you could you can do all the right things in terms of meeting each other's emotional needs, but if at the same time, you're making serious mistakes in the way you're treating each other so that you're unhappy, it does you no good, because it's like pouring water into a sieve. It all drains out, right? And so the thing that you have to think about is, yes, I have to meet I have to meet my spouse's support emotional needs, but at the same time, I've got to plug up the holes. I've got to make sure that we're not losing love units by making some very, very common mistakes that make people in marriage miserable.

And again, our reference are sitcoms. And the whole thing is, is that they create brownie points. They'll do something really good for their spouse so that I can do my thing, and we'll balance it out: I'll give a little, and then I'm going to take and then we're back to ground zero again. And it's like, okay, if I want to do this, I'm going to have to be extra, you understand? And it's a horrible cycle,  to live in. 

Exactly, and that's one of the love busters, by the way: doing what you please, even though you know your spouse isn't going to like it. But the basic idea is that anything you do where your spouse says, I don't like what it is you're doing to me, if it's a habit, if you do it once in a lifetime, I mean, if it's really, really bad, maybe, maybe that could. Maybe I could call that a love Buster but it's mostly habits that are love busters. It's things that you do again and again and again, unrelenting pain, unrelenting suffering, that you're imposing upon yourself a spouse simply because you think that it's right, it's you have a right to do it, but at the same time, you're losing your spouse's love for you. 

Okay, you use a term of marital abuse and a term of marital control. Is that kind of what we are alluding to a little bit here. You know, in withdrawing or requiring or wanting my own way. 

Well,there are two categories of blood busters, right? And one has to do with care, one has to do with abuse and control, right? And that is, there are three of them. So that's what you're referring to, three love busters that have to do with abuse and control. And so these are different categories of withdrawals we can take. And then there are three love busters that have to do with the development of incompatibility. In other words, that the more you do it, the more incompatible you'll become. So let's first talk about abuse and control. Since you brought it up, abuse and control, of course, we all would argue. We all know that it's wrong, but it's instinctive. And so there are three ways that people are abusive and controlling that are instinctive, and it has to do with problem solving. How do you solve problems in your marriage? The first is selfish demands. In other words, that the way I get Joyce to do something for me is to tell her to do it makes sense. Doesn't seem like the right way to approach a problem. It's efficient. It's efficient. It and if you simply cooperate with me, it will get the job done. 

Well, works probably better for Bill, you know, he'll say, just tell me what you want. You know more for a man not reading your mind, well, yes, okay, well, women, are you? Women tend to say, well, just do it. I don't have time to talk about it. Just do it. But that's a selfish demand.

That's right, if Joyce wants something from me, or I want something from Joyce, we're tempted to tell the other person to do it, take the trash out. They're coming in half an hour, yep. But even still, that's telling him what to do, yeah.

Or I might tell Joyce that while you're out doing errands, pick this up for me at the at this other store. Now it seems it. Innocent, yeah? It seems like a little, little problem, but, I mean, it's just the first stage of abuse and control, because you're telling your spouse what to do instead of asking your spouse how he or she would feel about doing it. Now, a lot of people would say, Oh, come on, that is so trivial, I don't have time to say. How would you feel about doing something? For me, it sounds like you're you've taken some kind of a touchy feely psychology course. I mean, it's not anything that I ever want to be able to do. But you see, there's a philosophy behind telling a person what to do, and a philosophy behind asking a person how they feel about it.

I was raised with this concept, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And in way, that's what we're talking about here.

One is a demand, and the other is a request. The question really is, in marriage, does a demand withdraw love units. And my argument is that it does. No one likes to be told what to do. Now, everybody might say, that's a very simple little thing, if I were to go to all the trouble saying, How do you feel about going to the store for me and getting me picking this thing up? Isn't that terribly complicated, and doesn't it assume that your relationship must be on the rocks to be able to say so, required to say something. I say, No, it. It communicates the fact that you care about how the other guy feels. You're being considerate. It communicates your care for the other person. If I say, Listen, while you're out, get some gas for the car because we're out of gas. I mean, why not? Why not put it that way? Because, after all, she's going to run out of gas if she doesn't get some, you see, but you see, the question is, what's, what's behind the way you say something, what is the philosophy behind it? Do I feel that I have the right to tell Joyce as my wife who has promised to cherish me and care for me and love me. Do I have the right to tell her what to do for me, or if I care her, care for her in return? Do I have the responsibility to communicate in my request the fact that I care about her. See, now people think, see, this is what psychologists do. They make things terribly complicated, and they affect, emanate everything. It's just nothing men would ever think of doing. But it is a very important point, because it will help us understand the next two which are far more destructive. But the point is that you're off on the wrong foot. if you tell a person what to do instead of asking them how they feel about 

And then if your spouse feels compelled to do it, because there might be a punishment of some sort. It could be just not talking sulking, or it could be more drastic, it could get more into the abuse level. Then it's the beginning of what perpetuated could really become a problem in the marriage. And we're only saying, let's practice courtesy. Would you tell someone of your employees, there's a word that's left our culture? Yeah, courtesy

okay to be considerate of the others,  Philippians 2:36, something like that. You know, prefer the other as being more important than yourself. And it begins by saying this, don't be selfish. I mean, that's my marriage versus the Bible. Don't be selfish. Prefer others as being more important than yourself. 

Yeah,there are many, many verses, Ephesians, 5:21, submit yourselves, one to another as unto Christ. The basic idea is that we should be thinking about the other person before we do something. And in this particular case, if I'm asking Joyce to pick up something for me, or if I ask her to do something,  what's the thought behind it? Is it a demand? Is it something I'm expecting of her? Do I feel entitled to whatever it is, or am I asking her to help me with something that, I know she cares about me, but I also care about her, and I want to communicate the fact that I care about her in the very way I ask her to do something for me. Now, again, philosophy, I've often told people this. As a psychologist, the question is, how do you motivate people to do things for you? How do you get something out of somebody else? I've told people throughout my entire career that if you want somebody to stop doing something for you, demand it. Whatever it is. If you want them to stop it, demand it. So when you want something of your spouse and you need it badly, don't demand it because you're less likely to get it in the future. Demands actually demotivate us. Requests motivate us. So if I say, Joyce, how would you feel about helping me with this? She'd be motivated to help me. If I say I want you to do this, regardless of how you feel, because I think you owe it to me, she's less likely to do it later. So we got we got two issues here. One is, if I demand something of Joyce, if I tell her to do it, I'm going to withdraw love units. She's going to love me less because I've told her to do something. The second is she's less likely to do it next time. So from a purely practical standpoint, would you want to make a demand? I think not! I think what you would want is to make a request, because she's more likely to do it. If you make a request, she's you're not going to withdraw love units. You're more likely to get it again next time. So the basic idea is the man should be out of the question, don't make them. Request should be the way you approach problem solving.

Now the next love Buster that I talk about is disrespectful judgments. It turns out to be the second stage of abuse and control. Demands don't seem like much. They seem like, oh well, you know, we all kind of take shortcuts. We cut a few words out ofour sentences.

They really know how I feel. But, you know, they know that I care. 

What if she isn't going to do it for me? You know? What if I'm not going to help her? What if I'm not going to put away the dishes? What if she says, Put away the dishes for me? I say no, I'm not going to put away the dishes. The next thing that comes to her mind is, you lazy, good for nothing person now and a few more things, the next thing is going to happen is that she's going to accuse me of having a characteristic that makes me unworthy of her. In other words, she's going to ridicule me. She is going to raise it to another level, and she is going to say things really what she wants me to do is put away the dishes, but because I'm not doing what she wants me to do, the next stage is she's going to turn it into a judgment of my character, and she's going to call me names, and she's going to say things that are going to make me think that I am a worthless person, and if I had only put away the dishes, I would have become a worthy person. 

When you do that, you're you're performing a love Buster, which withdraws love units.

And my point is, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. I mean, it's not productive, but it's so instinctive. It's something that comes to mind immediately. The words are right there. You don't you don't have to give it any thought. You just utter the thoughts that you have in your mind, they're terribly disrespectful, and it makes you feel a little better to say all those things again. They don't get the job done, which means that your spouse is less likely to do it again next time you're going to withdraw love units. Why do it?

Well, because I want to be, again we talked about this in the other show, I want to be true to myself. The whole thing is irritating me. I want to be honest about this. And you know what really all you do is come in, sit down, demand dinner, , bring me a drink, take care of me. I've been working all the day. You know wha? I'm done with it. Yeah, you know, that's the clash. 

Everybody was saying, ditto to what you just said. 

You know, I don't care what you're thinking. I don't care what you're saying. I won't even listen. I mean, that's the reaction that a person gets to, disrespectful judgments. I'm not going to pay any attention to you. And yet, people do it in marriage and then it escalates, thinking, this is how I'm going to get their attention. Yes, I can defend myself. I can, you know, support my point of view. My needs are more important than your needs, and you're ignoring me. And just when I feel I feel better, I feel like I've gotten it off my chest.

but in the long run, it's non productive and it's hurtful, and. And  it's destroying love, right? We say it's withdrawing love units. It's a love buster. The point is, now that you're aware of this, let's start practicing a different way of requesting of each other, wording. It a different way not demanding and not being disrespectful. Should they choose not to do it? Bill says, Can you pick up something on the way home? How would you feel about that? And I say, Well, you know, I got to get home. I'm expecting a call, and I need to be home to get this call. I'm sorry I can't do it on the way done. That's it. He gave me an opportunity to do it or not. And I'll see my point. See the difference there? And the request allows some discussion, some negotiation.

I might, I might say, for example, that I don't need it exactly at this point in time. Could  you get it? Could you get it when you go out next, is there some other way that this could could be handled in a way that would work for you as well as it does for me. See, I mean, that's the whole point that: what are my alternatives? If I take selfish demands and disrespectful judgments away from people, I am not taking away the opportunity to solve the problem. As  matter of fact, I am creating the opportunity to solve the problem. You would not have solved the problem the other way, you're creating more of a problem. Now what I'm doing is I'm saying, what are the other alternatives to a demand and disrespectful judgment so that you can get what you want? I tell audiences that I speak to, I want you to have everything you ever wanted in your marriage, and I want your spouse to give it to you. I'm not going to be giving it to you. Your spouse is one giving it to you, and I want to show you how to get it from your spouse, right? I want to show you how to get what you need from your spouse. Selfish demands, disrespectful judgment will not get the job done.  not 

It's going to get there. Okay? Thanks for your help. We need to take a quick break, and I know that you're getting help here. It's not okay. And you might say We're way beyond that. I mean, we're at that escalated point, you know? And here's the thing is that there are foundations that you have laid that have led up to this, and so what we're doing is just beginning to address those, so that we can be really, really begin to take a look. Okay, what can we undo? You know? How can I really begin to build and make deposits here? How can I really be heard, just as Bill said, so that you can really begin to experience in your marriage everything you've wanted. The book that we're featuring today, love busters available from us here at New Day ministries. Let's get this break over and get back with Bill and Joyce right after this you